


Rette Mich

by aomines



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Roommates, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-01-20 20:17:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1524215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aomines/pseuds/aomines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Forcing Jean and Eren to be roommates for four months could be a bad thing. Or it could result in the both of them saving each other from themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kirschtein

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was sick of the self-hate, sick of not wanting to go do summer activities with his friends that involved taking off his shirt, sick of seeing all his healthy muscled friends on their sports teams and showing off their bodies at pool parties. Especially Eren fucking Jaeger with his eight pack, annoying tan skin, and kissable face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i saw chubby jean in the ova and instantly thought of an au where he has an eating disorder so it led to this.
> 
> ships in this fic are: evenutal jeaneren, past jeanmarco, past reibertannie, friends with benefits bertjean & reieren, married eruri and dating mikannie, & mikemarco.
> 
> i'm tagging the ships here cuz i know i fucking hate it when i'm looking for a fic and side ships are the ones that pop up instead.
> 
> also there's nsfw bertjean in this chapter, beware.

“I still can’t believe this shit,” Jean murmured to himself, looking through the bathroom cabinet. He pulled out his morning essentials, his contacts and solution, face wash, whitening toothpaste, and whitening mouthwash. He accidentally knocked over his mouthwash when he jumped due to the loud crash in the kitchen. 

He couldn’t help the growl that erupted from his throat, but he made himself take a deep breath to calm down. Living with fucking Eren Jaeger of all people was fucking horrible, but he had to get through it. Thanks to a pipe burst in the loft building they coincidentally shared, the company decided to pay for housing for them to live somewhere else. Except, you weren’t allowed to pick roommates, so whose the lucky duo who got stuck together? Jean Kirschtein and Eren Jaeger. 

Of course the both of them threw hissy fits trying to get it changed and switch with other people around them, but it was to no avail. They were stuck living together for possibly a whole school semester, so four months at least. The loft building decided to renovate as well due to obvious water damage, which Jean thought was the biggest load of bullshit ever. He took a deep breath through his nose once more before continuing with his morning ritual. 

Jean emerged from his bathroom in less than fifteen minutes, with a fresh face and fresh breath. He grit his teeth when he heard more of Eren’s banging in the kitchen in his attempt to make himself breakfast. He then reached for his Bluetooth headphones and iPod and made sure it was up to the loudest setting possible while getting dressed. 

It was a Wednesday, which meant he only had one class for an hour and fifteen minutes. He really had no one he wanted to impress, so that resulted in him putting on his uniform of an old band t-shirt, with his really old hoodie, faded jeans, and his oldest pair of sneakers. 

He majored in biology since he was studying to become a forensic pathologist. Long lab hours standing on your feet sounded like a good calorie burn career choice. It just sucked that Eren had the same major, but was doing forensic odontology like a weirdo. Luckily their schedules were a lot different. 

He took his time getting dressed since he made sure he got up earlier than Eren so he could make his own breakfast and eat it in silence. Also so he wouldn’t get judged on the small portion size and how he measured things out with his food scale. Those were the habits he still couldn’t break, but he was definitely working on it. 

Of course he looked at himself in the mirror while he did so. It was habit to take in his appearance while he slowly slipped his clothes on. Jean had his good days and bad days when it came down to his body. Today was a somewhat good day. His butt looked pretty good in his briefs and the tattoos adorning his hips, part of his thighs, and arms to cover his past stretch marks boosted his moral. 

He walked back into the bathroom to make sure his facial piercings were in order, eyebrow and septum. He then strolled back to his room to go through his jewelry box to change his five-eighths ear gauges from the Batman logo to his pastel blue ear skins. He left the other three studs on both sides, as well as his industrial, and tragus’s alone. 

Jean frowned when he noticed he still had twenty minutes to spare. He placed his headphones around his shoulders, grabbed his book bag, and decided to head for the kitchen to grab his water bottle, sparkling water, and a granola bar just in case he got hungry. He couldn’t help but thickly swallow once he was near the kitchen. 

For two reasons, one being the fact that Eren actually knows how to cook and the food smells good. Plus, there’s the fact he’s cooking just in sweatpants and it’s fucking obvious from his side profile that he’s not wearing underwear. Jean debated on turning on his feet back to his room to wait the rest of his twenty minutes out, because it was seriously too early in the morning for this. 

Unlucky for him, Eren noticed him in the doorway. “Jean, do you want some?”

He pursed his lips before walking into the kitchen. “No, I ate already,” he said, reaching into the fridge. “But fuck Eren learn to not bang so much shit around. Eat something more quiet like cereal.” 

The tan boy rolled his eyes and went back to stirring his grits. “Fuck off Jean. Not everybody can be as quiet as a mouse.” 

“Or maybe I’m not fucking obnoxious Jaeger,” he stated while standing in front of him. “Don’t forget to clean up your shit before you go.” 

Eren growled while pushing past him to reach for a plate in the cabinet. “Just get the fuck out of the house Kirschtein. I don’t have time for your shit.” 

Jean pushed past him just as hard while reaching for his granola bar in a drawer. “Fuck you too Jaeger.” 

He stuffed his things in his book bag and left while slamming the door. He grit his teeth the whole way to his car. He fucking hated Eren. Not just because of the fact he was an exotic looking muscled hot piece of ass with a couple of tattoos, but because he was a part of the reason why he was the way he was today. 

A total calorie control freak, who had a bulimic past and current anorexic tendency if he was having a bad week, with occasional fits of rage and crying fits when he remembered his fat days, as well as hating words that were even a synonym for the word fat. 

Of course it wasn’t Eren’s entire fault. There were numerous contributing factors, but his downward spiral towards self-hatred wasn’t official until he met Eren. It started in fifth grade when they were put in the same class together. He had sort of looked up to Eren since he seemed to be passionate about whatever he did, especially protecting his friend Armin. 

He didn’t realize until a few years later, but he actually had a crush on Eren. They never really talked since they were in different circles. Jean only bothered with Marco since he was his neighbor and Bertolt since he was awkwardly tall and skinny for being ten while Jean was the complete opposite by being chubby. 

Mikasa and Armin always surrounded Eren, so even if he wanted to talk to him he was way too shy to even consider it. It wasn’t until field day on their second to last day of being in elementary school when his admiration of Eren completely went down the drain. Jean was on his way towards Marco and Bertolt by the slides, when he walked by Eren and a bunch of kids and he heard it. He heard that word fall from Eren’s stupid lips: fat. 

He kept moving and pretended like it never happened till he got home. The first thing he remembered doing was eating, and then crying because he was eating, but kept eating because he liked food while crying some more. Jean had pretty much cried himself to sleep that night because that word hurt the most coming from Eren. 

It wasn’t like he hasn’t heard it before. He heard it all the time in whispers, saw it written notes passed around, and even mouthed to him when he made eye contact with the wrong person. He couldn’t help it that he liked food so much. He couldn’t help it that it was the only thing he looked forward to after school was when his mom would give him a snack. 

However, hearing it from someone he looked up to so much was an eye opener. In fact, he lost a lot of weight that summer. Mostly due to having his tonsils removed and not being able to eat for a while and he begged his mom for swimming lessons since running was not his forte. 

Jean started middle school off about fifteen pounds lighter and he was happy. A lot of people commended him for his efforts, commented on how good he looked, and the usual bullshit people gave you once you looked like a whole new person. He saw Eren from time to time but only made terse eye contact with him and kept going. He was still in the crush denial stage so he avoided him like the plague. 

He passed middle school with flying colors and managed to keep up his new physique. That was until summer in France happened. Jean stayed with his grandma and she did what grandmothers did best, feed him. He ended up gaining back his twenty pounds and then some. He was taller than he was in fifth grade, but he still looked overweight and he didn’t want to go back to being called the fat kid. Especially after he worked his ass off to loose everything before. 

Except this time he didn’t feel like working his ass off. In fact he didn’t have time to work his ass off, so he decided to stay in France for two years of high school. Jean couldn’t handle the humiliation of everyone seeing his weight gain. He felt like a disgusting fat failure, and there was no way he was going to start high school back home looking the way he was in fifth grade. 

He completed his two years of schooling there but only lost ten pounds. He admitted defeat and just went home with a promise that he’d loose the rest of the weight during summer break. It was two weeks into the break and he wasn’t even trying. Still eating, sitting on his ass, wishing he was thin again, as well as the occasional melt down of hating himself. 

All of that changed when he went grocery shopping with his mom one day and he saw none other than Eren Jaeger. It was sickening because that was when his crush hit him like a smack to the face. He took in both of their appearances from the pasta aisle while Eren and Mikasa were looking at meat together. Mikasa always took care of herself so of course she looked good, but Eren looked like he paid puberty for an upgrade and then some. 

When the two of them started moving, that was when he bolted so they wouldn’t see how much of a fat fuckup he was. That was when he decided he couldn’t fucking do it anymore. Jean fucking Kirschtein was not going to play the chubby kid role no more. Especially not for his junior year of high school after being gone for two years.

Soon enough, tooth brushes and his fingers became his best friend and he was a full-blown bulimic. He could honestly say that was the worst decision he’d ever made. It spun out of control pretty quickly, but he lost all the weight he needed and more. There was only the fact that his body didn’t end up fit like before, so he just looked thin and in need of muscle mass. 

His mother noticed and he was taken to the doctor. Jean could remember it like it was yesterday, her finding out about his bulimia and crying her eyes out at home. He loved his mother, but hated her at the same time so he ignored her pain. The only thing he changed was his bulimia to anorexia since the constant stomach acid was eroding his teeth and he hated the dentist more than anything. 

He got to the point where all he did was drink water and zero calorie drinks, as well as one small meal a day. It worked for his senior year of high school and that was all that mattered. He didn’t start his road to recovery till that summer before heading to Trost University where he was admitted to eating disorder rehabilitation center. 

He was sick of the self-hate, sick of not wanting to go do summer activities with his friends that involved taking off his shirt, sick of seeing all his healthy muscled friends on their sports teams and showing off their bodies at pool parties. Especially Eren fucking Jaeger with his eight pack, annoying tan skin, and kissable face. 

So he’s been recovering for two going on three years now. He makes sure he ingests at least fourteen hundred calories a day, even though it’s way under the minimum amount for a male of his height and weight. He also works out from time to time and he’s been trying to cut back on measuring his food. 

Jean blew a sigh through his nose while putting the key in the ignition. He wasn’t going to let Eren ruin his day like he ruined part of his life. This was just a minor hurdle that he needs to get past. They won’t even be living together anymore after four months. After that, everything will be the same. At least, that’s what Jean tells himself on the way to school.

* * *

“One tall Café Americano with Truvia right?” 

Jean nodded while handing over his Starbucks card. “The order is never going to change Marco. You don’t need to ask anymore.” 

He shrugged while taking the card from his grasp. “You might feel like drinking a drink that has more than ten calories one day.” 

“Today is definitely not that day,” he mumbled while accepting his receipt and card, “Meet you at the table?” 

“Yeah, let me fix your drink and tell Connie I’m taking a break,” Marco said, grabbing a cup. 

Jean nodded and headed to the usual table in the corner near the window. He always came by after class on his shorter days so they could talk during their shared free time. He sat down and folded his arms while watching Marco mix his drink and talk to Connie at the same time. Till this day he still can’t believe that he’s managed to keep Marco as a best friend for so long. 

Through all his self-hate, late night phone calls with him crying, helping him with his eating disorder recovery and everything, Marco Bott was there. He also lost his virginity to him after he came back from France, having one of his crying panic attacks about his weight, never making it anywhere in life, and never finding a significant other because he was disgusting. 

Marco had kissed him to calm him down and things pretty much went down hill from there. It never progressed further than that since they both saw each other as still nothing but friends even after that intimate act. Nor do they talk about it since it was four years ago and they both have their own current boy problems. 

“Sorry, we ran out of Truvia so I brought a couple packets of Stevia,” he said, setting the cup down in front of Jean. 

“It’s fine. Has today been busy?” 

He shook his head while taking a sip of his own drink. “Not really. Wednesdays get really slow but enough about me. Why do you look more bitter than usual today?”

“Eren fucking Jaeger that’s what,” he began with a glare, “He’s so fucking obnoxious and loud and a waste of space.” 

“So you’re telling me he’s hot?” Marco questioned, lifting his cup for a sip. 

Jean grimaced and rested his face against his hand. “He’s so fucking attractive it’s disgusting. He walks around in just sweatpants with no underwear and it drives me insane. He’s fucking strapped Marco. It’s annoying.” 

“I rather not hear that Eren has a big dick while I’m drinking coffee.” 

He rolled his eyes as he took a sip from his cup. “Fine, then let’s talk about your boyfriend’s big dick.” 

A blush spread across his freckled cheeks. “I don’t feel comfortable talking about him in public sometimes.” 

“It shouldn’t matter. It’s not like either of you are gonna get in trouble or anything. You’re legal and he’s a cop. Besides, Mike treats you right and fucks you good and that’s all that matters.” 

“Jean,” Macro groaned, “You could’ve ended that sentence at treats you right. And I know, it’s just that the age gap still feels weird to me.” 

“It shouldn’t. Erwin is Mike’s superior and he’s with Levi, look at that age gap. They don’t seem to care. In fact, no one should care since it's none of their business.” He said while ripping the paper to the empty sugar packets. 

He sighed. “Life isn’t that simple Jean. Someone always cares, no matter what.” 

“Trust me, I know that much,” he mumbled before setting his lips back on the rim of the cup. "As long as you're happy.

Marco gave him a small smile, copying his actions. “How are you and Bertolt?” 

Jean furrowed his brows, sitting his cup down. “Why’d you ask that like we’re dating?” 

“Well, you see him a lot and you know, you guys do stuff together so yeah,” he trailed off, shrugging his shoulders. 

“Me and him hook up as a comfort thing. I can’t have Eren and he can’t have Reiner, so it just happens sometimes. We’re not and never will date,” Jean said, an icy tone lacing his voice. 

He put his hands up in defense. “Okay, okay. I was just wondering, jeez. Look, I need to get back to work anyway so I’ll text you later?” He asked while getting up. 

Jean nodded after doing the same. “Yeah, I guess. I’ll let you know if I lose my mind dealing with a half naked Eren.” 

Marco scoffed while pushing his chair in. “Why does that even matter when you’re going to be dealing with a half naked Bertolt after you leave here?” 

He crushed the empty cup in his grip with a glare. “Fuck you Marco.” 

“Yeah, yeah. See you around.”

* * *

Jean dug his dull nails into the skin of his back with moan. “Fuck Bertolt, harder.” 

The tan boy above him complied and thrust into him at a harsher pace. A louder moan escaped his lips as Jean threw his head back, leaving red scratches up and down Bertolt’s back and hips. Sex with him was one of Jean’s favorite things. He lived up to the saying shy in the streets, but a freak in the sheets. Once they started planting hickies and grinding their boners together, the shedding of clothes caused Bertolt to turn into a sexual deviant. 

His long fingers knew what sent tingles of pleasure down Jean’s spine, what had him arching off the bed begging for more, and what had him coming hard enough to feel like he was having an out of body experience. There was also the fact that he had a cock that made him feel unbelievably full and reached his prostate with blissful accuracy.

The taller boy leaned into the crook of Jean’s neck to press hot open-mouthed kisses and bites. His mouth then trailed up slowly before taking one of Jean’s pierced lobes lightly between his teeth and nibbled. His hips pounded unmercifully against Jean’s ass, the sound of slapping skin on skin filled the room. 

Their perspiration covered bodies moved together as one while they worked towards their oncoming orgasms. Jean groaned and reached in between the two of them for his neglected cock. He smeared the precum at the tip with his thumb before fisting it to the rhythm of Bertolt’s brutal thrusts. With a choked moan, Jean stiffened in Bertolt’s arms as he was came on both of their stomachs. The taller boy hissed when Jean tightened around him, but continued pounding into him until he was brought to his own orgasm. 

He took a moment to relax before pulling out, disposing of the used condom, and lying next to Jean. The two of them remained silent while their breathing slowed and their orgasm high wore down. After a minute Jean looked at him out the corner of his eye and decided to turn on his side to face him. “What time is Reiner coming home?” 

He pursed his lips while running a hand through his hair. “After him and Eren are done at the gym, so around seven.” 

Jean rolled over to grab his phone out his pants pocket and grimaced at the time. “It’s six so I guess I need to go,” he said, planting his feet on the floor. 

Bertolt sat up and reached into his night table drawer for a pill bottle. “You can have the rest of the Prozac,” he stated, tossing it on the bed. “My psychiatrist said he’s going to give me a new prescription soon.”

He finished pulling on his underwear and pants before reaching for the bottle. “Thanks, but you really don’t have to.” 

“I want to, plus what else am I going to do with it?” he asked as he stood up. 

“Sell this shit for money instead of giving it to me because I’m a good fuck,” Jean retorted, pulling on his t-shirt and reaching for his shoes. “Besides what if you ever need a back up?” 

“I don’t think I will. My psychiatrist also said I might not need medication at all anymore. My depression and anxiety have gone down quiet a bit.” 

“Lucky for you. I wish my problems went away that easily.” Jean mumbled before pulling on his hoodie. 

Bertolt finished pulling on his pants and gave him a blank look. “I’ve told you to–” 

“No, no. I’m not gonna see a fucking psychiatrist. I’m not about that life, I’m sorry. I just,” he trailed off, running a hand through his hair, “I just fucking can’t right now.” 

The tan boy nodded. “Okay, I understand. Just use it wisely and let me know if any of the side effects bother you too much.” 

Jean gave him a faint smile while pocketing the pills. “I’ll be fine. Say hi to Reiner for me.” 

He returned the smile. “Only if you do the same to Eren.” 

He gave him a curt nod before letting himself out of the apartment and heading towards the elevator. While on his way to the main floor he rolled the bottle of pills in hand with a frown. Of course he’d always take free depression and anxiety medication, especially whenever it curbed his appetite. Jean just hated the feeling that he was taking advantage of Bertolt and his mental illnesses to help his own. 

He sighed once his pride and joy was in eye view, a two thousand and eleven steal grey Mustang that he named Bullet because it was the only thing he could think of. He sat in the car and took a deep breath before putting the key in the ignition and pulling off. His and Bertolt’s relationship always made him feel a little on edge. 

The two only started to mess around after the trio known as Annie, Reiner, and Bertolt broke off their threesome relationship after three years of it. Annie instantly went to Mikasa, while Reiner kept it a mystery as to who he was with, and Bertolt did the same with Jean. They were friends who understood each other pretty well so when it happened, they just let it keep happening until it was a routine. 

Bertolt didn’t start giving him his medication till Jean had one of his mini breakdowns about his past, present, and worries about his future. He just hated feeling like he used him when Bertolt had other things to worry about like his nonexistent love life with Reiner. 

Jean’s grip on his steering wheel tightened as he turned onto a corner. It just felt like everything he touched and people he met, he’s the reason why things for them are fucked up, and he was sick of it. His grip grew stronger when he realized he was going home to a half naked Eren, fantastic.

* * *

He entered his and Eren’s apartment with a grim look since he saw Eren’s car in the parking lot, meaning he was home. He could hear Eren’s shitty music being blasted from his room and he rolled his eyes while dropping his book bag to the floor. He headed to the kitchen and headed for the cabinet to pull out a can of soup. 

Jean looked at his various options and picked the one with the second to least amount of calories. He reached for a bowl, poured the can contents in, and stuck it in the microwave for three minutes while he went to set his bag down and take off his hoodie in his room. He felt the pills in his hoodie pocket and stashed them under his bathroom cabinet. 

He was annoyed to find out that Eren had walked out of his room while he was in his own. He was once again sporting only sweats and no underwear while making a sandwich. Jean brushed past him on his way to the fridge for a bottle of sparkling water. The two of them shared a glare before the beeping from the microwave alerted Jean his soup was done. 

Unluckily for him the microwave was pretty close to Eren, so when the two of them brushed elbows he tried to ignore it and concentrate on the smell of chicken dumpling soup. Jean dipped a pinkie in it to make sure it was hot enough and frowned when he found out it wasn’t. He put it back in the microwave for an extra two minutes and reached for his drink. 

It was when he was taking a sip, he noticed Eren’s confused look. “What’s wrong with you?” 

Eren shook his head and went back to layering meat slices on bread. “Nothing, it’s just that you smell like sex.” 

He couldn’t help but freeze on instinct since not many people knew about his relationship with Bertolt. Nor did people think he had anything going on with anybody. “So, you still smell like a sweaty gym sock.” 

“Fuck you Kirschtein,” Eren claimed while picking up his sandwich and leaving. 

He chuckled while watching his ass retreat back to his room. “You wish Jaeger,” he called back, before he sucked his teeth and mumbled to himself, “Who the fuck am I kidding, I wish.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just jean filler chapter. the next will be eren filler chapter.
> 
> if there's anything trigging in this chapter i left out please let me know so i can tag it accordingly.
> 
> thanks for reading!


	2. Jaeger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever since he was young, he’d bite himself to calm himself down. The pain is what would remind him he needed to keep his cool. That he had to control himself so that his anger wouldn't get the best of him or people around him. It’d leave him with bruising and teeth marks every time, but he had three scars where he actually broke skin and had to get stitches. It’s been his coping mechanism ever since his mom was killed in front of him when he was ten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eren filler chapter.
> 
> self harm mentions, recreational drug use, and reieren.

He knows it’s still too early to get out of bed, so he tosses and turns in an attempt to ignore the daylight streaming through his window. After the fifth roll onto his left side, he throws the pillow off his head to the floor and glares at the window that he still hasn’t bought curtains for. It’s only been three weeks out of the four months he’s supposed to be living here and he was trying to see how long he could ignore the light compared to his black out curtains from his old loft that he misplaced. So far, it was not so good and the bags under his eyes showed it. 

Eren sighed while reaching for his phone and to his dismay, it was extra early. He was awake at seven forty in the morning with no classes scheduled for today. He groaned in disgust before rolling out of bed with phone in hand. His free hand ran through his messy brown hair while he strolled over to his dresser for a lighter and pack of cigarettes. 

He thought about putting on shorts but disbanded the idea when he remembered Jean was definitely out the apartment already so he could do whatever. Eren left his room and went straight to the patio. He hissed a little when the cool metal chair came into contact with his skin since he was only clad in boxers. He rubbed away a patch of goose bumps on his thigh before pulling a cigarette out and reaching for the lighter. 

He set the cancerous stick between his lips and flicked the lighter for the flame. Eren quickly inhaled once it was lit and tossed the lighter back on the table. While he blew the smoke from his lips he looked at the view in front of him, buildings, cars, and dead grass. He took another drag from his cigarette with furrowed brows, remembering his old loft at least had trees, flowers, and vibrantly green grass. 

Eren flicked the ash onto the ground even though he knew it’d annoy the fuck out of Jean and reached for his cellphone. It was now seven fifty and according to his phone it was a Thursday. He quickly thumbed through his last calls and selected a number. He brought the cigarette back up to his lips and waited for them to pick up. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, are you home?” the smoke streamed out his mouth while he spoke. 

“Of course, and stop smoking. It’s not good for you,” 

His sea green eyes rolled. That’s exactly why he did it. “I know Mikasa. Did dad make breakfast already?” 

“He’s in the process, so if you leave your place now you can still make it.” 

Eren frowned while stubbing out his cigarette on the corner of the patio table. “I still need to shower and stuff.” 

“I’ll tell him you’re coming, but you know he hates it when you waste his time.” 

“Whatever, his job doesn’t start till noon. I’ll leave my place in fifteen minutes,” he stated, picking up his things and heading back inside. He heard his sister mumble something about him needing to be faster than that before he hung up and tossed his stuff on the bed. 

Once in his bathroom Eren stepped out of his boxers and turned the shower on to heat up while he grabbed his toothbrush and toothpaste to take in the shower with him. A sigh of relief fell from his lips once he was under the hot stream of water. He instantly got to business and started to brush his teeth while his other hand reached for his 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. He pumped a bit of it into his right hand and began to lather it in his scalp while his left hand continued to scrub at his teeth. 

He hastily went through the rest of the tasks that included rinsing his hair and washing his body. Eren hopped out the shower in under four minutes and instantly wrapped a towel around his waist and a separate one for his hair. He shoved around in his closet for the jeans he’s worn twice that week and a pair of sneakers, but made sure to fetch a clean t-shirt and boxers. 

After he removed the towel from his head, he ran his fingers through his hair and cursed. His hair only looked good blow dried and that was three to five minutes by itself. Eren groaned in agitation before sitting down on the corner of his bed and wiping off any extra water on his upper torso. 

He couldn’t help but pause when the towel lightly ran over his left forearm and his upper right arm. They were his old self harm scars that were covered in tattoos, but he looked at them every day as a reminder that he can’t forget. Especially since his self harm wasn’t the average that involved razor blades, wristing banging, or even burning; he was a biter. 

Ever since he was young he’d bite himself to calm himself down. The pain is what would remind him he needed to keep his cool. That he had to control himself so that his anger wouldn’t get the best of him or people around him. It’d leave him with bruising and teeth marks every time, but he had three scars where he actually broke skin and had to get stitches. It’s been his coping mechanism ever since his mom was killed in front of him when he was ten. 

There were a string of home invasions on his side of the neighborhood when he was young. What the invaders were looking for has been unknown his whole life. He just knew it left a lot of broken families and a couple of kids without parents, including himself. Luckily for him a nice cop and his boyfriend adopted him and two others when he really needed it. 

Even though he didn’t tell them enough, Erwin and Levi were the best part of his life. He remembered sitting in foster care for a month with his roommates at the time Mikasa and Armin hating every second of it. Several couples would look at the three of them, being close to taking one of them home but the director would tell them the possibility of therapy and other problems that could come with seeing brutal murders at a young age. 

Nobody wanted young problem children and the three of them were reminded that weekly with every couple that looked at them with pity. That was until Erwin and Levi walked in requesting all three of them to be adopted. Erwin was the captain of that particular police investigation and was the one that loaded the three of them into a police car that night down to the station for questioning and a place to stay. Eren still doesn’t know till this day how Erwin convinced Levi to take in three children when he hated everything about filth and disorder, but he did during the month they were in foster care. 

The transition wasn’t a completely smooth one, but they managed over time. Mikasa and Armin became his brother and sister, while Erwin and Levi were the fathers he never thought he’d have. The both of them were annoyingly intelligent, talented in many areas, and handled whatever the three of them threw at them while growing up. Armin with his hair crisis since he felt he looked too girly, Mikasa growing boobs and having a period was a task in itself, and Eren had his little biting problem when he got too angry. 

It got worse as he got older, the anger he felt about his mother’s death and the resentment towards his father for leaving them in the first place. Along with finding the fuckers that killed her in the first place. He tried to not think about it and Mikasa and Armin always told him to let go of the past, but he couldn’t. His bite marks were reminders to not forget and he wasn’t planning on it anytime soon. 

Soon enough Eren substituted his biting for tattoos. Levi was a tattoo artist, so covering up his past scars were his idea in the first place. However, sitting in the chair for hours with only the sound of the tattoo needle and Levi occasionally asking him about his future while Erwin stole kisses from Levi was definitely better than biting himself. 

Eren wasn’t completely covered in ink, he just added to his old ones every time. All his tattoos were traditional Japanese, only a half sleeve on his right arm, a piece on his left forearm and his left thigh to cover his scars. They were intricate and colorful against his tan skin and he paid Levi back every Father’s Day with whatever he wanted. 

The pad of his thumb rubbed over the scar on his forearm, covered by a plethora of colors but the indentation of his teeth from when he was younger was still clear to him. He sighed and began toweling off his lower half. His scars were a part of him and he was okay with that. In fact his scars helped him pick his major of choice, forensic odontology. It was pretty much dentistry for the dead when required, as well as identifying bite marks in certain cases. Plus they got paid enough so Eren didn’t see anything wrong with that. 

He cursed when his foot got stuck in the leg hole of his boxers, but quickly got past that and tugged on his jeans. He slipped on his socks and shoes before throwing his shirt over his shoulder on the way to his bathroom. A louder curse spilled from his lips when he noticed he had seven minutes left. He cranked up his blow dryer on high and grabbed his comb to set a new hair drying personal record.

* * *

Luckily for him he set a new record, Eren left his place in twelve minutes instead of fifteen and made it as soon as Mikasa and Armin were setting the table. He told Mikasa to tell dad he’s there and took his place next to Armin arranging plates and setting food in the middle of the table. “Is dad the sequel here too?” 

Armin briefly laughed at Eren’s nickname for Erwin while laying out utensils. “He said he needed to finish up some police reports early this morning and that he should be here in time for breakfast.” 

Eren scoffed, setting cups next to plates. “Mikasa literally told me to rush for no reason.” 

“She told you to rush since you’re twenty years old and you don’t know the meaning of being on time yet,” Levi stated while entering the room. 

He narrowed his aquamarine eyes at Mikasa over Levi’s head. “Stop making me look bad.” 

Levi shook his head, setting the pancakes on the table. “It’s too late for that Eren, you’ve been doing that your whole life.” 

Eren glared at his father, gave up on setting the table, and sat down. “Just shut up so we can eat. Where’s Erwin?” 

“Right here!” he claimed, walking through the front door. He walked over to Levi to plant a kiss on his cheek before taking a seat across from Eren, “I’m surprised to actually see you here this early. You usually make it after most of the food is gone.” 

He leaned back in his seat while Armin poured him some orange juice. “You and me both.” 

“Whatever, let’s just sit the fuck down and eat,” Levi commanded, taking his seat. 

They all dug in, reaching for his or her food of choice and ate silently for a few minutes till Erwin cleared his throat while reaching for his glass of orange juice. “So Eren, how’s living with Jean?” 

The brunette rolled his eyes while biting his bacon harder than he meant to. “It’s fine I guess.”

“You and Jean should try to get along better, you’re practically the same person,” Armin said, forking eggs into his mouth. 

Eren made a disgusted face while ripping a piece of his biscuit in half. “No fucking way. Don’t compare me to him.” 

Levi shook his head after sipping his coffee. “You need friends Eren. Jean’s a good kid and you’re pretty much studying in the same field. Use that to your advantage and stop being such a jackass.” 

He slouched into the chair while chewing his biscuit. Levi also tattooed Jean in the past so they talked from time to time. Pretty much meaning he liked him, which annoyed Eren to no end. “Whenever he stops being a jackass first,” he mumbled, reaching for his fork. “Besides, he avoids me like the plague and whenever he actually is home, he stays in his room unless he goes to the kitchen to eat.” 

“Maybe Jean is just introverted,” Erwin stated while passing Mikasa the syrup, “you guys will get along eventually.” 

“You have three months to go, might as well get to it,” his sister said while cutting her pancakes. 

Eren angrily chewed his eggs with a look of loathing. “Fucking fantastic.”

* * *

The brunette mentally checked off the first thing on his list, breakfast with family and was now on to the second: getting high with Reiner. Thursdays were their smoke days and has been ever since high school. Eren’s head laid in the blonde’s lap as he took a hit off the joint and Reiner flipped through the channels. 

“Which one of you watches Lifetime?” he asked, looking through their last viewed channels. 

Eren takes the remote out of Reiner’s grasp as the smoke streams from his nose. “Jean watches that show Hoarders sometimes. He says it gives him inspiration to clean or some shit.” 

“Of course,” he mumbled, taking the joint out of his hand. “I see you’re already memorizing stuff about him.” 

“Fuck you, it’s not like that,” he claimed, looking through the television guide. “He does the same thing every week, how could I not notice?” 

A chuckle rumbled out of Reiner’s mouth along with smoke. “You said the same shit in high school when you use to notice him biting his lips in math class, or when he used to get a new piercing, or even when--.” 

Eren used his left hand to lightly punch Reiner in his annoyingly solid abs. “God, just shut the fuck up,” he hissed. His face instantly felt hot and he turned his face back to the television so Reiner couldn’t see how flushed his cheek were. 

“C’mon Eren, why are you so embarassed? So what, your crush hasn’t faded since high school. It’s happens to the best of us.” 

He sucked his teeth and rolled back over to take the joint from the blonde’s hand. “Yeah yeah,” he mumbled before inhaling, “I just wished I didn’t.” 

Reiner shrugged and took the remote laying on Eren’s stomach. “It’s not gonna go away overnight. The two of you are pretty compatible once you get past the disagreements and fighting over everything bullshit.” 

Eren leaned up to blow smoke in the taller boy’s face with furrowed brows. “Let’s just drop this subject please.” 

He mumbled a fine and set the channel on Spongebob while the two of them smoked. It wasn’t until after they finished the joint and the cartoon was nearing it’s end did Reiner speak again. “I remember the first time you told me you had a crush on him.” 

The brunette’s right hand went to cover his face in annoyance. Reiner always got fucking sentimental when they got high. “Oh my god, what did I just tell you?” 

He shrugged and leaned back into the coach. “It was after I took your virginity, remember? After that football game when we beat those prissy motherfucks from that private school?” 

Eren sighed and brought his hand back down to rest on his stomach. “Yeah, I remember.” He hated remembering it since the first thing he said after he got fucked into Reiner’s shitty mattress while the blonde was looking for a lighter to smoke was: “I think I have a crush on Jean fucking Kirschtein.” 

He didn’t mean to blurt it out like that, but he denied his crush to himself most of high school when Jean came back during junior year. He told himself it was normal to notice Jean’s every haircut, to know the number of piercings he had, wondering what he looked like shirtless, and having really vivid wet dreams about him. It wasn’t like they talked a lot, but the allure of getting to know Jean past their stupid fights and shoving was what started the crush in the first place. Not to mention he was hot, tall, and according to the numerous scholarships he had, smart. 

“I still don’t get why you even told me that.” 

“I don’t even know why. Maybe it was because you fucked my prostate raw and I was going delusional,” Eren mumbled, turning to look at the television. It was mostly because he pictured his first time with Jean and the regret of giving it to Reiner hit him like a freight train, but of course that wasn’t something he’d come out and say. 

Another chuckle erupted from the blonde’s throat while looking down at Eren. “That explains why you still say stupid shit after we have sex.” 

The brunette groaned again. “New subject please or no talking at all,” he stated after flicking Reiner’s kneecap. Eren personally hated his sex relationship with Reiner, but he was twenty and horny, plus he was around so he never complained about it. He did however feel weird whenever Bertolt was in the same room out of fear he’d find out about the two of them. Sure, they weren’t dating but Reiner hasn’t necessarily been the smartest since he broke it off with Annie and Bertolt their senior year of high school. 

Eren would see the way Bertolt’s eyes would follow Reiner whenever he left the room or even the way they would drop to his lips when Reiner would talk. He’d try to bring it up with Reiner, but blonde felt that Eren was imagining things. According to Reiner, there’s no way Bertolt would ever have feelings for him after the threesome fiasco. Which only happened since Reiner knew about Bertolt’s crush on Annie, and his own crush on Bertolt just made sense for the three of them to be together. It ended up being disastrous and their relationship became strained for months until they went to college and decided to deal with each other again. 

It was obvious to Eren that the relationship between Bertolt and Reiner wasn’t as strong in high school, but them being roommates was a step towards that change. He really hoped that the two of them would just get smart and hook up with each other. Sure, he liked Reiner’s company and his cock to distract him from his feeling for Jean, but he knew their relationship had to end eventually. Fuck buddy relationships either ended bad or horribly bad and he really didn’t want to lose Reiner as he friend. Even though he hated admitting it to himself, he had fun with him sometimes and he listened to him when he got whiney so it worked out. 

With another sigh Eren decided to get off the couch and walk to the fridge. He moved around all of Jean’s annoying sparkling water’s to get himself a soda and Reiner a water as usual. When he walked back over to the couch, he just threw the bottle at the blonde and took a seat on the other side of the couch. Reiner opened his water bottle with a knowing side look at Eren. He was in one of those moods, so he kept his mouth shut. 

It wasn’t until after the next episode started up that Eren got fed up with the silence and spilled the question sitting in the back of his mind. “Is Jean dating anybody?” 

Reiner stopped tearing at the wrapper on the water bottle to give him a confused look. “No, I don’t think so. Why?” 

His teeth sunk into his lower lip before replying. “When he came home yesterday he smelt like sex.” 

“Maybe he sells his body or something, I don’t know his life.” 

Eren sucked his teeth before folding his arms. “Forget it, we’re not talking about this.” 

The blonde shook his head with a smile and moved closer to the other boy to place one of his arms around Eren’s shoulder. “Stop overreacting, I’m kidding. Besides it wouldn’t shock me if Jean had someone. He’s pretty hot and I heard he has a big dick.” 

He lightly flinched at the mention of Jean’s dick but played it off as a shiver. “From who?” 

“Uh, Marco actually,” he mumbled, reaching for the remote. 

Eren’s stomach dropped but at the same time his pulse quickened at the news. “What the fuck? How, when, where,” he sputtered, turning to face Reiner, “why haven’t you told me this before?” 

Reiner observed Eren’s over zealous reaction and then shrank back into the couch with a sigh. “I didn’t want you to freak out like this, but he mentioned this year’s ago at some party Ymir had. Remember that one from freshmen year she had at her dorm that was pretty much sex themed since it was celebrating Connie and Sasha finally fucking each other after they started dating?” 

He waited for Eren’s nod before continuing. “Well, we played some sexual truth or dare game and Marco got the question ‘what’s the biggest cock you’ve ever taken’ and he said Jean.” 

Eren thickly swallowed and tried to quell the sick feeling in his stomach from the thought of Jean with someone else. His teal eyes dropped from Reiner’s face to his own lap. “Oh okay.”

“Eren look, Marco said it was a one time thing in high school. You have nothing to worry about. Besides, he’s dating Mike anyway. I really doubt Marco would be the cheating type." Reiner claimed. 

He wasn’t completely swayed but he nodded anyway and shifted his body so he was straddling Reiner’s lap. His sea green eyes briefly met Reiner’s hazel ones before his gaze drifted down to his lips. His right hand was teasing his nape, messing with the fine blonde hairs there.“It’s fine, I’ll get over it eventually. Now touch me until I have to go work,” Eren commanded before leaning forward to capture Reiner’s lips with his. 

The taller boy’s hands instantly went to Eren’s waist, touching the tan skin under his thin t-shirt. He rocked into his touch and quickly opened his mouth, revelling in the feel of Reiner’s tongue against his own. He lightly nibbled on Reiner’s lower lip before slipping his tongue back in his mouth, running the muscle against the roof of his mouth. 

Soon Eren’s other hand went to Reiner’s neck, starting at the nape before threading through his blonde locks while grinding his hips down on Reiner’s crotch. He couldn’t help but groan into the kiss when a calloused thumb pad rubbed at his nipple, bringing it to full hardness. If this was what it took for him to forget about Jean, he did what he had to do.

* * *

Except while he was at work, he didn’t forget about Jean. He worked at a home improvement store, mostly as someone who restocked shelves, occasionally told somewhere they needed to go and moved a lot of boxes. It usually kept his mind busy and moving heavy boxes kept his arms pretty toned when he didn’t go to the gym with Reiner. 

Today didn’t count since he was forced into the gardening section so he mostly watered a lot of plants and gave his nonexistent opinion on flowers and plants to customers. The fuck if he knew if daffodils, carnations and pussywillows would look good with a pond. Either way his mind was in a fog. Eren nearly drowned a plant when he started thinking about Jean and then Jean and Marco together, then the two of them fucking. His stomach did the same exact flip from earlier but left a heat at the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t decipher between his anger or the spicy chicken sandwich he ate for lunch. 

Eren sighed to himself while he took off his work badge and stuck it in his glove compartment. He briefly checked his phone and the only messages he had were from Reiner asking to go to the gym tomorrow and another from Connie asking to talk to Levi about a tattoo date. He promised himself he’d text back once he was in the apartment. 

He grabbed the rest of his belongings from the back seat of his car before he slowly walked up the stairs to the floor him and Jean shared. He frowned when a girl and boy passed him on the staircase. Couples always made him yearn for a relationship instead of the fuck buddy affair he had with Reiner. 

Sometimes he wanted to sleep in someone else’s bed, to talk about his past with, to cry on a shoulder when he was feeling really shitty, and someone to fuck him senseless but only because they’re both happy and horny for each other like a couple of teenagers. He briefly pictured that lifestyle with Jean while he unlocked his front door and his stomach continued to display it’s acrobatic tricks of the day by flipping when he walked inside. 

The flips turned into the butterflies when he noticed Jean rummaging in the fridge. He mentally frowned while walking towards the kitchen since Jean never walked around shirtless or in his underwear like he did himself. If he was really packing what Reiner said earlier, it was completely unfair he couldn’t get an eyeful of it. A flush worked it’s way to his cheeks when Jean turned around to look at him. 

Jean’s eyebrows knit together when he noticed the look on Eren’s face. “What?” 

“Nothing,” Eren muttered, walking around him to get to the fridge. 

The taller boy threw him another curious glance over his shoulder after opening his chocolate almond milk and walking away. A sigh blew through the brunette’s lip once he heard Jean’s room door close. He grabbed a bottle of water before shutting himself in his room. His shirt and pants were on the floor in seconds and he flopped face first on the bed. 

His earlier butterflies turned into hummingbirds when Jean’s perfect face entered his mind. As well as little details like how he was a couple inches taller than him, meaning he’d have to lean up to kiss him. Also the fact he had really nice hands from what he remembered in high school when he had to sit next to him. Not to mention he had a slight dimple on his right cheek when he was laughing at something stupid on television while he finished up his lab reports. 

“Ugh, I’m so fucking disgusting. Fuck Jaeger get a damn grip,” Eren said to himself, turning over on his bed. The thoughts died after he flicked on the television to watch nineties cartoons, but the hummingbirds didn’t stop their flutter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took forever to update. 
> 
> the next chapter will finally be where the plot begins, so get ready to hate me in a good way. 
> 
> comments and kudos appreciated!
> 
> thanks for reading!


	3. Bonds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean sees something he's not supposed to see.

“I literally chose the worst major in existence,” Jean mumbled to himself, taking off his lab goggles. 

Bertolt looked up from his laptop and gave him a light smile. “I’d say we could switch but I suck at math and science.” 

He ran a hand through his ash brown hair with a smile of his own. “It’s fine, keep your major. I’ll just suffer with mine,” he said, sitting down next to the taller boy, “Starbucks after you finish the next page right?”

The tan boy gave him a curt nod and went back to typing away at one of his essays. Jean heavily sighed through his nose before he started working on his lab report. Every Friday morning he’d do extra lab hours on the side with his lab teacher Hanji out of hopes to speed up his graduation process. He usually took Bertolt along for the ride to help him since writing wasn’t his forte and having a journalism major student by his side made that situation a lot better. 

He sucked his teeth when he got stuck on the beginning of the next paragraph. “Sorry Bertolt, can you help me word this better?” 

“Sure.” he said, taking his laptop. 

Jean watched his green eyes scan over the screen and the slight movement of his lips as he sped read through the beginning of his report. His attention then turned to the opening of the class door. “Levi?” 

The older man looked over at the two boys in the corner of the room and started to stroll over. “Hanji’s not in here?” 

He shook his head. “No, she left like ten minutes ago saying something about white blood cells and antibodies.” 

Levi rolled his eyes and folded his arms. “I guess I’ll call her later,” he mumbled before scanning his eyes across the lab equipment on the counter. “Is this what you two do on your Fridays? I thought you didn’t have class.” 

Jean let out a light chuckle. “Not by choice really. I’m trying to fit in as many lab hours as possible each semester to graduate faster and I kinda force Bertolt to help with my lab reports.” 

“I wish Eren was this dedicated to his school work. Speaking of that brat do you know what he’s doing with his life today?” Levi asked. 

Bertolt nodded. “I’m pretty sure he’s with Reiner. Today’s their gym day.” 

An interested look passed over Levi’s face before he nodded and his eyes settled on Jean’s shoulder and arm. “Your tattoo needs a touch up.” 

Jean briefly looked down at his arm and lightly frowned. He took off his hoodie during the lab so he was left in a tie dye tank top. If he knew Levi was on tattoo patrol he would’ve kept it on. “I know, it’s just that I can’t really afford that right now. Well, it’s just not a priority at least,” he muttered with a shrug of his shoulders. 

“I told you, you don’t have to pay me. You currently deal with my punk ass son, that’s payment enough. If you’re not busy tomorrow you can come by my house and I can do it for you in under two hours.” 

“Sure, that’d be awesome,” he claimed after a light chuckle. “Text me a time?” 

Levi gave him another nod. “Of course. Also tell Hanji I was here so she'll actually pull out her cellphone for once. I’ve got better shit to do,” he stated before turning towards the door. 

Both boys nodded and said their byes while he left the classroom. A smile appeared on Jean’s lips while he rested his face against his right hand. “Free tattoos mean so much to me.” 

Bertolt cracked a small grin. “I know you feel the same way about piercings.” 

“Yes, you don’t even know. Getting Hanji was pretty much a heaven sent,” he sighed in relief. 

Jean remembered signing up for classes and trying his hardest to register as soon as possible. Hanji used to be a full time piercer at Levi’s tattoo shop, but now she only worked weekends or times when she wasn't swamped with school work. He heard the rumor that she would occasionally give out free piercings to students who could keep an A average in their class. So far that rumor was true since he got his industrial piercing a month ago from her. Plus him kissing up with extra lab hours and the occasional coffee and doughnut combo definitely helped. 

“I”m happy for you,” the brunette began, “But we need to get this stuff finished so we can have our Starbucks break.” 

“Ugh, you’re right. I’d kill for caffeine right now,” Jean yawned, stretching his arms over his head. “Alright, let’s do this.”

* * *

“Scrub that car any harder and you’ll rub the paint off.” 

Eren looked up from the rag in his hand to Reiner’s smug face across from him. “Shut the fuck up before I spray you with the water hose again.” 

A deep chuckle rumbled up his throat. “C’mon, I’m just fucking with you. Why are you more bitter than usual?” 

“I’m not more bitter than–” he stopped himself because he knew he was on edge. He just hated admitting it to himself. “Fuck it, I really don’t want to talk about this.” Eren said while dipping his hand back into the water bucket. He really thought volunteering to clean the police cars for Erwin with Reiner instead of working out would help ease his mind, but he was completely wrong. 

Reiner paused his hand motion of rubbing circles into the windshield of the car. “Are you really still freaking out about Jean?” 

He heavily sighed through his nose and threw the rag in the bucket with a splash. “Yes, and it’s fucking annoying. I feel like a fucking school girl with a crush.” 

The blonde shrugged while reaching for a bottle of window cleaner. “It happens.” 

Eren’s teal eyes narrowed at him. “You pretty much told me this shit yesterday. Can’t you give me some real fucking advice for once?” 

“There’s no such thing as advice for crushes. You live with it like a flu. Your stomach feels like it’s in knots, occasionally your face feels hot, you don’t wanna get out of bed, and then you contemplate what you did in life to deserve something like that while you feel sorry for yourself.” Reiner said, spraying the windshield. 

“Thanks for the poetic analysis, but that doesn’t fucking help,” he hissed while bending over for the water hose. 

Reiner shrugged. “I told you, there’s no helping it. Unless you wanna tell him about your crush and about how much you’ve wanted his dick since like high school.” 

“Oh fuck you, that’s not gonna happen and you know it. Fuck just the thought of that nearly gave me a damn heart attack,” the brunette said, spraying the hood of the car, “I don’t even know Jean like that even if I wanted to tell him about my crush. We don’t talk.” 

“Shit, then change that. Maybe once you get to know him, you might not like him as much as you thought you did.” 

Eren sighed while crouching down to the spray the wheels of the car. “I guess I’ll think about it. Sometimes it’s not like I have a crush and I can be in the same room as him, but then other times I look at his face and I can’t even form words.” 

Another round of laughter came of out Reiner’s mouth as he tossed his rag to the ground. “I can’t believe this right now. Eren fucking Jaeger head over heels for Jean Kirschtein, never thought I’d see the day.” 

While pouting Eren changed the direction of the hose and aimed straight at Reiner, spraying his chest and face. “Fuck you Reiner.” 

The blonde wiped at his soaked face with a smile. “Already been done Eren.” 

His previous pout turned into a sneer, but the blush on his cheeks gave away his embarrassment. He gripped the water hose in his hand threateningly till he noticed Erwin in the window of the police station watching the two of them outside. Eren gave him a fake smile before spraying the back tires of the car. His eyes met Reiner’s light hazel ones before glaring. “I’ll fuck you up in private.” 

“I can’t wait to see you try,” Reiner sneered. “But before you fuck me up can we get pizza and bring it back to your place?” 

Eren thought back to the cigarette and bowl of cereal he had for breakfast four hours ago then nodded. “Fuck yeah.”

* * *

Jean’s light brown eyes stayed glued to the screen of his phone while sipping at his three hundred and fifty calorie Cinnamon Dolce Creme frappuccino. It was officially the weekend, which meant he didn’t count calories. In the back of his mind he did, but when it came time to eat he didn’t fret over measuring and portion sizes, he just ate to his heart’s content. It was his own way of trying to break his calorie counting habit. 

His eyes then glanced up to Bertolt, taking the occasional swallow of hot chocolate instead of coffee since it sometimes messed with his medication while still looking at one of his essays. A faint smile appeared on his lips at his dedication before looking back down at his phone. The two of them sat in silence minus Bertolt’s fingers tapping away at the keyboard. 

It was Jean’s favorite thing about the taller boy, they didn’t have to constantly talk or be in each other’s business. For the most part their relationship consisted of hanging out, helping each other with school work, sex, and the occasional emotional spill of what was happening in their lives. They had a mutual understanding about many things and that’s kept their friendship from when they were children to now so tight. 

Jean looked back up when he noticed the sound of the keyboard had stopped and noticed Bertolt looking in the direction of the ordering line. He couldn’t help but thickly swallow when he noticed it was Annie and Mikasa. Jean never really asked Bertolt about his relationship with Annie and Reiner since he didn’t want to cross any boundaries and bring up rough patches. 

He pursed his lips after taking a sip of his frappucino. But sometimes he couldn’t help but open his mouth from time to time. “How are you and Annie?” 

Bertolt’s gaze shifted from the two girls back to the boy in front of him. “Um, we’re surprisingly okay.” 

“That’s good. Annie’s just hard to read so I could never figure out where you guys stood when I see you together,” Jean said, his eyes tersely looking at the two girls waiting for their orders. 

He lightly laughed. “It’s understandable. Annie isn’t the easiest person in the world to get along with, but after our group break up we’ve actually become oddly closer.” 

“That’s cool for you guys,” Jean started after a sip of his drink. “Wait, you probably don’t even want to talk about this. I’m sorry for even bringing this shit up.” 

Bertolt shook his head after swallowing his hot chocolate. “No, it’s fine. My psychiatrist said I need to treat my past relationship with the two of them as normal as possible, so talking about it definitely helps.” 

“Well, we can talk about this later since it seems they’re actually gonna come over here and talk to us,” Jean mumbled before licking the whip cream off his straw. 

His jade eyes looked over at the two girls and noticed that they were definitely about to approach their table. He gave Jean a light smile before directing it at Mikasa and Annie who were less than a couple feet away. “Hey Annie, Mikasa.” 

A faint smile appeared on the blonde girl’s lips. “Hey to the both of you.” 

“Hi.” Mikasa mumbled sternly before her lips wrapped around the straw to her iced coffee. 

Jean gave both girls a tight smile and a wave of his hand before going to the remains of his frappuccino. 

It was silent momentarily between them until Bertolt gestured to the chairs next to them. “Did you guys want to sit down or?” 

Annie shook her head while shifting which hand held her fruity iced tea. “No, we just wanted to say hi since we’re in the same place. I hope we didn’t interrupt anything.” 

“No, we’re not doing shit,” Jean stated after obnoxiously slurping down the rest of his drink. 

Annie let out a terse chuckle. “Great, see you guys around.” she said, following Mikasa’s path a few steps ahead of her. 

Jean quirked an eyebrow while chewing on his straw. “That was kind of awkward.” 

“Somewhat,” Bertolt began with a shrug, “Mikasa and Annie are just pretty serious people.” 

His eyes narrowed. “I still kinda feel like Mikasa doesn’t like you.” 

“I get that feeling a lot too, but Annie just says Mikasa tends to be stand offish to people she’s not familiar with. That or Mikasa still considers me a threat, not sure which one really.” 

“It sounds like you and Annie talk a lot. Are you besties are some shit?” 

Bertolt opened his mouth and closed it in attempt to find the right words. “I wouldn’t say best friends. We do actually talk a lot. I talk to her about Reiner sometimes and she’ll occasionally talk to me about Mikasa. And sometimes we talk about school.” 

Jean hummed in acknowledgement, leaning back in his chair. “You guys sound pretty close to me.” 

“It was kinda a promise we made to each other after the break up thing. I told her I didn’t want to lose her as a friend since I’ve known her for years, plus she gives good advice as far as commanding me on what to do about my Reiner situation so,” he trailed off. 

“She knows you’re a love sick puppy for that muscled blonde who's always wearing his shirt too tight?" 

The brunette let out a small chuckle after finishing off his hot chocolate. “Yeah, she does. She’s the one who noticed before I did. She broke it off with me and Reiner because she felt that she wasn’t really needed in the relationship. Plus nothing good could come of it as we got older, so yeah.” 

Jean nodded, looking out the window before looking back at the tan boy. “Do you ever talk to Reiner about it?” 

“No,” he began after a sigh, “I tried when me and him first moved in together freshman year here and he basically said there’s no point of talking about the past. Even when I mention Annie’s name he gets kinda upset. They didn’t really end on good terms.” 

“Oh,” Jean mumbled after a frown. “Whatever, let’s drop this subject. Are you ready to go back to your place so we can finish up our stuff?” 

Bertolt nodded. “Yeah, let me just finish this paragraph and then we can go. Don’t you still have to pick up your book from your place?” 

“Fuck, I almost forgot. Sadly I need it to finish my report,” Jean muttered with a look of annoyance. The only reason he forgot it was because of Eren walking around the apartment in his fucking boxer briefs. If he had to watch Eren bend over, stretch, or even breathe any longer, he was probably going to lose his mind, so he just left. 

Jean let out another aggravated sigh while looking out the window to watch cars go by. He hoped by the time he got home that Eren and Reiner weren’t there being completely obnoxious together like the usual dude bros they were.

* * *

“I’m sure if clothes weren’t required for everyday life, you probably wouldn’t wear them,” Eren commented while sitting down next to Reiner on the couch, pizza in hand. 

The blonde shrugged, chewing for a couple moments then swallowing. “Is it a crime for me to be shirtless while I eat?” 

“With those pecs, might as well be,” he said before taking a bite of his slice. 

Reiner couldn’t help but flex them as he took a bite out of his crust with a wink. “Don’t act like you don’t enjoy the view.” 

Eren rolled his eyes, reaching for the remote. “Just eat and shut the fuck up.” 

“I see you’re still being bitter,” he commented, slouching into the couch. “Are you really this madly in love with Jean or is there other stuff going on?” 

“No!” he retorted while furrowing his eyebrows at the blonde. “Well, maybe.” Eren mumbled before biting into his pizza. There was the typical young adult stuff going through his mind: school, Jean of course, and thoughts about his future since they were juniors in college, going on seniors in autumn. 

Reiner finished his crust and reached for his water bottle on the coffee table. “Are you thinking about us again?” 

And of course there was that since the more he thought about how he wanted to get to know Jean, the more he wondered where him fucking Reiner would fit in with all of that. Eren gave the taller boy a knowing look before sighing. “Of course I think about us, but there’s no point in talking about ending it. We tried last year and it was less than three weeks before you were back in my bed again.” 

“Well, it was after one of Ymir’s drug induced over sexualized parties. We can try to end it for real this time.” 

His sea green eyes met Reiner’s golden ones. “Seriously? You’d be willing to try to end this? We’ve been fucking around since senior year of high school and you wanna quit cold turkey, do you really see this working out?” 

“Fuck Eren, do you not have faith in us?” he retorted. “Besides, who said anything about cold turkey? We can slowly get used to not touching each other.” 

Eren harshly bit into his crust at his words. “Fine, we can try. But know that it’s only because I really want Jean and you need to get your ass back with Bertolt.” 

Reiner gave him a slightly dark look while reaching for another slice of pizza. “You and Jean, yes. Me and Bertl, no way.” 

“I don’t get why you haven’t tried to talk to him about it. The both of you live together, the fact that your past relationship hasn’t even come up once doesn’t make any fucking sense.” 

“He’s tried to, I don’t want to,” the blonde mumbled before sinking his teeth back into the slice. 

Eren rolled his eyes. “If this is still about blaming yourself for even initiating the relationship when all you wanted was Bertolt and not Annie, it’s fucking pathetic. Bertolt is really fucking nice, way too nice to you actually. So if you honestly think he won’t forgive you for slightly messing up your friendship, then maybe you’re right. You don’t deserve to be with him anyway.” 

Reiner gave the tan boy a stern look before looking down at the pizza in his hand. “You’re right. I’m pathetic and I don’t deserve him. Even if we do talk about it, I don’t see our relationship going back to the way it was in high school before everything happened.” 

“You can’t change the past Reiner, but you can change your fucking present. So if you really want to be with Bertolt like you say you do whenever you’re drunk out of your mind, then I suggest your start doing something about it.”

The blonde nodded. “Alright, alright. Thanks I guess.” 

Eren nodded in return while reaching for his soda. “You’re welcome. If you won’t put your own ass in gear, I’ll just do it for you.” 

Reiner chuckled then gave him a sly look. “After we finish eating and we chill for a bit, can I put your ass in gear?” 

He gave him a deadpanned look in return. “I thought we were going to try and not fuck around so much.” 

“Baby steps Eren, plus we have time to kill so why the hell not?” 

Eren looked at his phone briefly for the time and rolled his eyes. “Jean shouldn’t be back till three hours from now, so sure. But after this we need to try to hold out for a week or two.” 

“We’re gonna have so much free time though.” 

“No, we’re not,” the shorter boy said before he paused and thought of their friendship. Gym, smoking, sex, the occasional party, eating together, and usually more sex. “Fuck you’re right. Maybe we should start working on being actual friends?” 

Reiner laughed while brushing crumbs off his chest. “That idea is so crazy it might just work.”

* * *

He was anxious. Unbelievably and annoyingly anxious walking into his own home to pick up his book. For some reason, the sight of Eren and Reiner’s cars still being in the parking lot bothered him. The two of them usually got back pretty late on their gym days, so what they were still doing hanging around his place in the afternoon set off alarms in Jeans head. 

He took a deep breath while he walked up the staircase. He was probably just overreacting, but he rather not walk in on them wrestling around on the couch for the remote, seeing who could blow the most smoke rings, or his personal favorite seeing how many marshmallows they could fit in each other mouths before they couldn’t talk anymore. 

It was somewhat of an internalized jealousy and Jean knew that. Reiner’s friendship with Eren always bugged him to no end since he couldn’t figure out why they were so close. Smoking, going to the gym, and being idiots together could only take a friendship so far. There had to be something more and he was slightly determined to figure out what that more was. 

He shook his head in disdain while he turned the key in the door. Jean was surprised to see the two of them weren’t on the couch, but he wasn’t surprised to see the pizza box on the table with half eaten pieces and open cans of soda. He rolled his eyes and strolled over to his book that was in the same place he left it this morning. 

Jean picked up his book and tucked his under his arm. He was in the process of heading back to the door when he started to listen to his surroundings. He could hear sounds and he knew those sounds like the back of his hand. They were sexual sounds. 

He thickly swallowed and turned back on his heels to inch towards the hallway where his and Eren’s rooms were located. His heart rate was beginning to pick up because the sound of skin slapping against skin was louder with each step he took. Jean instantly thought of explanations, Reiner and Eren probably watching shitty porn to make fun of since it seemed like something the two of them would do. 

He was standing by his own room door now, five feet diagonally across from Eren’s door that was somewhat cracked open. He was about to take a step closer when someone’s voice stopped him. 

“Fuck Eren, you’re super tight.” 

Jean could hear his heartbeat in his ears at that point since he instantly recognized that voice as Reiner’s. He didn’t know why but he kept slowly walking towards Eren’s door, hoping what he was hearing had to be some type of joke. Except he see’s it’s not a joke when he looked through the sliver of the slightly opened door. 

His eyes first zone in on Reiner. His hips moving at a vigorous yet rough pace with one of his hands on Eren’s hip and the other one in his brown hair, pulling harshly causing the tan boy to arch his neck. Jean then kept his gaze on Eren, the noises that would slip out his mouth, the slight quiver in his thighs with each thrust, and his right hand stroking his cock. 

A surprisingly loud moan fell from Eren’s lips that moved Jean out of his stupor. He made sure his foot steps were quiet but quick while he made his way towards the door. He nearly dropped his book opening the door since he was jittery from what he just witnessed. He locked and closed the door silently behind him before making his way downstairs to his car where Bertolt was waiting. 

He hoped he didn’t look like the wreck he felt, but he realized he did when he sat down in the car and Bertolt gave him a concerned frown. “Are you alright? Did something happen?” 

Jean threw his book in the backseat and ignored the light shaking of his hands by setting them on the steering wheel. “I’m fine. Eren just said something that annoyed me, it’s nothing.” 

Bertolt nodded and the car ride back to his place was silent. They worked in silence for the most part with the occasional question from Jean for help. He was still able to crack a couple of fake smiles, some of his snarky comments, and even a laugh or two to play it cool. He kept up with the charade till he was back in his car and on his way home. 

His stomach felt queasy and a sudden wave of sadness came over him while he was in a drive thru getting Japanese food for dinner. Once he was in his apartment parking lot did his vice grip on the steering wheel finally release along with the sigh he’d been holding. He trudged up the stairs slowly with his food in hand, not even feeling one bit hungry. 

When he opened the door, his stomach did acrobatics when he saw Eren on the couch with his laptop. Their eyes briefly met before Jean closed the door behind him and went straight the kitchen to put his half of his food on a plate to reheat it. While his food was in the microwave he went to his room to put down his backpack and to take off his hoodie and shoes. 

His food still had a minute left so he poured himself some juice in a glass cup and sat it on the table. The microwave made it’s excessive beeping noise as he was getting a fork. Jean frowned before deciding to eat at the kitchen table. He hated eating in his room sometimes since it’d take a while to get the smell out. 

He sat in chair that faced Eren, for what reason he wasn’t really sure but it felt right. In between taking fork fulls of rice, chicken, and vegetables he’d look up and see Eren looking at him before directing his attention back to his laptop. Jean went back to looking at his cellphone, but in the back of his mind questioned if Eren kept looking at him because he knew what he saw earlier. 

Jean looked up for the fifth time and caught Eren’s eyes. He was fed up with it so he set his fork down and reached for his drink. “Why do you keep staring at me Eren?” 

Eren gave him a startled look before setting his laptop on the coffee table. “Um, I wanna talk to you.” 

His fingers slightly tightened around the cup in his hand but he made sure to be nonchalant. “About what?” 

“Anything,” he said while getting off the couch. He was now standing by the kitchen table and he let out a deep breath before speaking. “I want us to be friends.” 

Jean’s fork paused midway to his mouth and he gave Eren a curious look. “Huh? Why?” 

“Uh,” Eren noticeably averts his eyes to the floor in hopes of finding an answer there. “Just because I guess?” 

“Seriously? Just because,” he asked after he swallowed a piece of broccoli. "That's the lamest fucking answer to make me want to be friends with you.”

“Fuck you, I’m trying to be nice.”

“Yeah, real fucking nice saying fuck you,” Jean mumbled while reaching for his cup. 

Eren lets out a frustrated groan before slamming his hands on the table. “Look Jean, we have to live together for the next couple of months. Not only that, but I’ve pretty much known of your existence since elementary school but I still know nothing about you. I just wanna try and not be a complete bastard for once and get to know you whether you like it or not.” 

His light brown eyes searched Eren’s teal ones for any sign of false feelings. He sighed when he realized his words were completely true and not deceiving whatsoever. He also couldn’t ignore the increase in his heart rate at the thought of him and Eren being close with each other. Jean broke their eye contact when he noticed the faint blush on Eren’s cheeks. “Fine, fine. We’ll give it a try. Wanna eat with me so we can get this friendship train started?” 

A surprised look crossed Eren’s features. “Are you sure you don’t want the rest of your food?” 

Jean shook his head while stabbing a piece of chicken with his fork. “I don’t eat that much. You can have it.” 

“Oh thanks,” he mumbled before turning to head to the kitchen. 

Jean watched him while he started to put together his plate. He finally noticed that Eren was wearing a t-shirt for once and figured out why when he had to stretch to reach a cup since he was a tad bit shorter than himself. Eren had hickies around his waist line and another one on the back of his neck Jean noticed when Eren scratched at his collar bone. 

He pushed the thought out of his head about how they got there and went back to slowly eating his food. Soon enough Eren took the spot next to him with a nervous look before he started eating. It was silent for a couple of minutes, Jean slowly eating the remnants of his food while Eren ate at slightly faster pace than him. 

Jean was on his last piece of chicken when he noticed a little bit of soy sauce on Eren’s cheek. He tapped the tan boy’s hand and then gestured to his face. “You have sauce right here.” 

Eren furrowed his eyebrows before trying to get it with his tongue. 

Jean rolled his eyes before licking his tissue and rubbing at the sauce on Eren’s face. “You eat like a child.” 

“No I don’t,” he said, knocking away Jean’s hand. He knew his face was hot so he looked down to continue eating his food. “Plus keep your gross ass saliva away from my face, thanks.” 

“Oh please, I’m sure there has been worse on your face,” he mumbled after setting down the napkin. “And by that, I mean your actual face.” 

His flushed cheeks diminished and were replaced with a sneer directed at the other boy. “Oh please, at least I don’t have a long face like yours.” 

Jean scoffed after chugging down the rest of his drink. “If you’re calling my jawline impeccable, then you’re absolutely right Eren.” 

Eren tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach at their light banter but also from the thought of Jean’s jawline that he’s thought of kissing so many times. “Fuck off Jean,” he started after finishing his food. “But first let’s start off by building our friendship.” 

He gave Eren a curious look, but tried hard not to fall into his teal eyes. “By doing what?” 

“Let’s play Mario Kart.” 

Jean couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled up his throat. “Really Eren, are we ten? I’ll kick your ass anyway.” 

“Put your money where your annoying mouth is,” Eren commanded while getting out of his seat. 

Jean stood up and followed him to the kitchen to put his plate in the sink. “You set up the game while I go change my clothes.” 

“Fine, change into something you’re reading to lose in.” 

He scoffed while heading to his room. “You might as well do the same,” Jean said before shutting himself in his room. He quickly shed his clothes and changed into another one of his tie dye tank tops and a pair of shorts from middle school that made his ass look good before stepping out of his room with a smile. Throughout their Mario Kart match, the thought of Reiner and Eren didn’t enter Jean’s mind not once and he was thankful for that. But how could it with a smile and laugh like Eren Jaeger's. Even though it was after Jean got hit with a blue shell and fell off a waterfall. It was still something he'd cherish. Not because of his own humiliation, but because it would be the first time him and Eren have ever laughed together. It felt like something he could get use to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't really like how this chapter turned out, but i hoped you guys enjoyed it. 
> 
> thank you for the kudos and comments! i always forget to reply, but i'll definitely do it after this chapter. 
> 
> thanks for reading!


	4. Unsaid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things are better left unsaid.

Eren rolled over, groaning into his mattress at the light filtering through his window. His hand shot out to blindly reach for his phone on his night table. He then brought the device under the covers with him and pressed the on button to view the unlock screen. His eyebrows drew together in confusion, twelve thirty in the fucking afternoon. 

It wasn’t until he rolled back over did he remember last nights events, hanging out with Jean till four in the morning. A small smile tugged at his lips while he pulled the blankets from over his head, taking in some of the daylight. Eren then scratched at his stomach, the remnants of last night slowly registering through his brain.

The two played Mario Kart for about an hour, calling it at a tie since both of them were pretty much evenly matched. Then they went on to other games like Mortal Kombat, Tekken, and every boy’s best friend, Call of Duty. By the time they finished playing games it was two in the morning, so they decided to check out late night television. Somehow they ended up watching horribly acted out heterosexual adult movies where the moaning was completely atrocious and the men were barely even attractive. 

On a lighter note, they finished up talking by discussing their tattoos and Jean’s piercings. Eren couldn’t actually believed that he told Jean his fear of piercings. He personally knew it was dumb since he was covered in tattoos, but something about a needle going through his skin freaked him out thanks a bad memory associated his father. The best part of the conversation was when Jean volunteered to go with him if he ever changed his mind, for moral support of course. 

That instantly made Eren think of piercing ideas. The thought of it made him annoyingly happy since he’s never hung out with Jean in a public place before. And those parties where they cussed each other out after a couple of drinks didn’t count. They cut their conversation short since Jean remembered he had his tattoo appointment the next day or in his case, eight hours. So they cleaned up their mess and went into their separate rooms at four in the morning. 

It looked like their friendship might actually go somewhere and that made Eren really happy. If the gross smile on his face wasn’t any consolation to that, he didn’t know what was.

* * *

“You seem pretty tired,” Levi commented, dipping the needle in more ink. 

Jean wiped at his eye, a tear ready to fall after his fifth yawn. “I went to bed around four something this morning.” 

“Doing what? I know school isn’t that important to you.” 

He lightly chuckled. “It isn’t. Believe it or not I was dealing with your son,” he said, a faint smile appearing on his lips. “We’re trying to be friends so we stayed up late.” 

“Well that’s a fucking shocker,” Levi mumbled, his hand moving slow and steady over a particular line. 

“Is it that hard to believe us trying to be friends?” Jean asked, flinching when the needle moved on to a new spot. 

“That, and Eren took my advice,” he said, wiping away extra ink on Jean’s arm to view his work so far. 

“You told him that we should be friends?” 

Levi shrugged. “Somewhat. I told him to stop being a jackass and that he needs friends, you included. I think you’d be good for him.” 

He tried to ignore the heat rising to his cheeks from his statement by lightly clearing his throat. “Thanks I guess. It’s working out so far. Well at least I think so.” 

“I’m sure it will. Eren can be stubborn as fuck, but he treats his friends right once you become one. You guys have no choice anyway with your living arrangement,” the shorter man said, refilling a cup that was low on ink. 

Jean pursed his lips before speaking. “May I ask why Eren didn’t move back in with you? Your house is pretty big from what I can see.” 

“We did ask him, but he said no. Something about he didn’t want to feel like a fucking baby anymore so he just rather live with you.” 

“Oh,” he trailed off, “sounds like Eren.” 

“He’s a fucking brat, so he’s a baby either way. I’m sorry you have to live with him.” 

“It’s fine. I’m somewhat getting use to it,” Jean said after a snort. 

“Good, now tell me what else is on your mind.” 

His hand balled into a fist and not from the pain of the needle digging into his shoulder. “How’d you know I’m thinking about something else?” 

“I’m a tattoo artist, when you get to a certain point you can read people like an open book,” Levi paused, wiping at extra ink once more, “Even though I hate talking to people about their obvious problems, I’ll make an exception for you.” 

Jean cleared his throat again, rubbing his thumb against his index finger to ignore the anxious feeling building in his stomach. “Um, I have this friend who walked in on a friend hooking up with a friend’s ex, and they asked me if I should tell the person’s ex that they’re hooking up with that friend,” he said, hoping that it made sense. “I’m still not sure what to tell them, so it’s been on my mind since yesterday.” 

Levi hummed, dipping his needle in another color of ink. “You walked in on Reiner and Eren didn’t you?” 

Jean ungracefully started to choke on his spit and sat up straight to look Levi in the eye. “How did you even know that?” 

He shrugged. “I figured they’d be still messing around. Eren and Reiner have been fucking around since high school and I caught them once after coming home early from work.” 

“No fucking way. You have to tell me this story,”

Levi let out a long sigh. “Fine, but go back to laying face down first,” he commanded, waiting for him to do so. “Well, there’s not much to it. I came in early, the house smelt like air freshener and weed. I go up stairs and those two fuckers are in Eren’s bed naked, completely knocked the fuck out. But of course there’s an ashtray in there so it’s obvious they blew their brains out smoking and then they fucked.” 

"Holy shit. What’d you fucking do to them?” 

“Nothing, I cleaned up their mess downstairs, opened the windows to get the smell out and then I sat in Eren’s room reading a book till the both of them woke up. That scared the shit out of them.” 

Jean couldn’t help the round of laughter that spilled through his lips. “Wow, I’d be fucking embarrassed and then probably cry from the embarrassment.” 

“I’m pretty sure Eren did cry. He’s always been a fucking cry baby,” he said, shaking his head. “But he learned his lesson to not fuck in my house and not to take my drugs.” 

The brown eyed boy turned his head to look at Levi. “You smoke weed?” 

“Medically, yes. I have a hip injury that flares up from time to time.” 

Jean pursed his lips again. He hated being a curious bastard, but he couldn’t help it. “May I ask from what?” 

“Dealing with fucking Erwin. I got shot in the hip during one of his stakeouts at my tattoo parlor that went wrong and I took the bullet for his ass.” 

“Oh wow, that’s brave of you.” 

Levi dryly snorted. “Brave my ass. I couldn’t even get out of the hospital bed to piss or shit for weeks. Erwin was lucky I had fallen in love with him by then so my body just kind of reacted. If that was anybody else, probably not.” 

“You fell in love with him during one of his police cases? That’s kind of sweet, minus the getting shot part,” Jean said, a light smile on his face. 

He let out another sigh while wiping at the ink on Jean’s skin. “Erwin’s a charming bastard. How he charmed me in under five months I’ll never know, but he did it.” 

“He’s a very likeable person, but I can tell he’s good at taking charge when he has to,” Jean mumbled into his arm. “I think the two of you fit pretty well.” 

Levi gave him a look, dipping his needle in more ink. “Thanks, but the conversation was originally on you. Are you going to tell Bertolt about Reiner and Eren or not?” 

“Fuck, I don’t have a clue. I feel like I don’t have a right to since they’re not dating, but at the same time Bertolt is one of my closest friends so I feel like I owe it to him,” he trailed off, also thinking of the fact he’d feel fake telling on the two of them when Bertolt and him hook up as well. 

“If you feel like it won’t do any good, then don’t tell him. I know you’re a pretty honest person when it comes to things but in this case, you’re living with Eren and you don’t know what kind of shit storm that might get created out of this.” 

Jean groaned into his arm, feeling anxious but annoyed. “I was thinking the same thing. Me and Eren just started to be nice to each other so I don’t want to fuck it up, but Bertolt is my actual friend so I don’t know what to do.” 

“Do what you feel is right. Imagine looking Eren in the face for the next couple of months after you tell Bertolt. And imagine looking Bertolt in the face if you don’t tell him. The decision is yours,” Levi stated, reaching for a cleaner rag. 

“I just wish it wasn’t,” he mumbled into his arm, a frown adorning his face to go with the sick feeling in his stomach.

* * *

The brunette looked in the mirror disapprovingly, noticing the light stubble on his upper lip and jaw line with annoyance. Eren inwardly groaned to himself before bending over to look under his bathroom cabinet for his razor and shaving cream. His hair color and facial hair were the only things he really got from his father, and he hated shaving to no end but he thought he looked stupid with facial hair. 

He ran the water in the sink to warm it up while attempting to spray shaving cream into his hand. With a curse and a roll of his teal eyes did he realize that the can was definitely empty. He cursed again, dropping the empty can in the trash while he walked out of his room and into Jean’s. Eren wasn’t even completely sure that Jean shaved his face, but it didn’t hurt looking in his bathroom. 

He stopped in the middle of the room with a revelation: this was the first time he’d ever been inside Jean’s room. He thickly swallowed, hoping he wouldn’t noticeably fuck something up while looking around. It was obvious Jean was neat due to nothing being out of place. It looked like he had a thing for dark and neutral colors, probably somewhat into cars from the looks of the Mustang calendar on the wall, and liked things that smelled good since there were a couple candles and some cologne bottles. 

The room definitely screamed Jean Kirschtein. And he was definitely fighting the urge to look through a couple of his things or even take a shirt to smell since he was a creep and he was okay with that. Eren shook his head, took a deep breath and stalked to the bathroom. It was just as neat as his bedroom which kind of pissed him off since he looked perfect, his grades were perfect, and his hygiene was perfect. Jean had to fuck up somewhere. 

He crouched down to open the cabinet and focused his mind on the shaving cream, fighting the urge to look through his other bathroom products. He moved around common things like body wash, mouth wash, and contact solution before he found the can way in the back. Eren smiled when he felt that the can’s contents were full which meant Jean wouldn’t even know he used it.

He was putting everything back where it belonged when he knocked over a bottle of pills. Another curse fell from his lips when he reached for it to stand it back up. Of course he couldn’t help his curiosity so he ended up pulling the bottle out and sat down on the floor to analyze the label. 

His eyebrows drew together in confusion, noticing Bertolt’s name on the label and not Jean’s. He then scanned the label a little more and realized it was a prescription for Prozac. Eren hummed to himself in revelation, depression medication. They tried to give it to him when he was younger, saying it might help with his feelings towards his mother’s death but he refused it to no end. 

But the fact that Jean had them and that they were initially prescribed for Bertolt stirred curiosity in him. Eren nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He narrowed his eyes at the text Reiner sent him, saying he was on his way over with food as usual. He texted him a quick reply and then stashed the pills back where they belonged. 

He made a mental pact to himself that he wasn’t going to bring this up to anybody, not even himself. He never saw the pills, he never saw Bertolt’s name on those pills, and he only went in there for shaving cream and that’s the only thing he really looked at. 

Well, at least he told himself that for the first couple of minutes while he shaved. It was when he was working on the right side of his jawline did finally let his thoughts wander. How did Jean get the pills? Things popped in his head like stealing and paying for them, but Jean honestly didn’t seem like the type. The next question was why did he need the pills? Jean didn’t seem like he had depression, but maybe it was the pills that didn’t make him seem that way. And lastly, why Bertolt? Of course going to a psychiatrist was pricey and not everyone felt comfortable talking to strangers about their feelings in return for drugs, but it still didn’t make any sense. 

Eren shook his head, trying to rid of the thoughts after he finished removing all the hairs from his face. He cleaned up his mess, dabbed some aftershave on his skin, and returned the can of shaving cream right where he found it with the mental note to buy more of his own. While he was walking back to his room, he heard a knock at the door that couldn’t be anybody but Reiner. 

He sighed through his nose, unlocking the door and turning the doorknob. “Hey.” 

“Hey,” he said, walking through the door, bag of food in hand. “I wasn’t sure exactly of what size sandwich you wanted so I just got the biggest in case you wanted to save some for later.”

“Or in other words, so you can eat the rest,” Eren retorted, walking into the kitchen for paper plates. 

Reiner shrugged. “That too,” he mumbled, taking the sandwiches out the paper bag. “I can’t stay that long either by the way. I have a personal training thing do after this.” 

The brunette shook his head, taking out bottles of water for the both of them. “I still can’t believe you managed to get your personal training license.” 

“Hey, I’m hot, charming, and you’ve seen this body,” he finished with a smirk. “Besides, it’s money and it goes with my sports medicine major.” 

“Lucky for you Mr. Perfect,” he replied, unwrapping his sandwich. “Is the person you’re training today attractive at least?” 

“Actually yes,” Reiner stated after swallowing down a bite of his sandwich. “But it’s a girl and you know my sexual preference.” 

Eren shrugged. “You fucked Annie didn’t you?” 

He paused, in the middle of the bringing the sandwich to his mouth. “Please don’t bring that shit up while I’m trying to eat.” 

He rolled his eyes. “Just stating a point. You guys still don’t talk?” 

“No, I plan to keep it that way actually. Her and Bertl are still okay though.” 

The mention of Bertolt instantly brought back the memory of the pills under Jean’s cabinet while Eren was chewing. He didn’t want to bring it up, but at the same time he had questions that he rather get answered than thinking about it constantly. “Is he still on depression medication? 

The blonde gave him a curious look, taking a sip of water. “Yes, why? Did you want some?” 

“No,” he said hurriedly, but then paused. “Wait, does he sell his medication?” 

Reiner scoffed while reaching for the other half of his sandwich. “No, but when his prescription changes he’ll occasionally give the leftovers away to close friends if they need it.” 

Eren nodded, uncapping his water bottle. “Oh okay.” 

“You’re sure you’re not depressed or some shit?” 

He made a disgusted noise. “No. Shit, I can’t ask questions?” 

“Hey, you can’t blame me for asking. I’m trying to be a friend.” 

“Thanks I guess,” he claimed, plucking some of the lettuce out of his sandwich. 

“Since we’re friends, can I take the other half of your sandwich?” Reiner asked, making sure to give Eren a sly smile. 

He dryly chuckled. “Just fucking take it.” 

“Speaking of friends, did you try talking to Jean last night?” 

A light smile formed on his lips. “Surprisingly yeah I did. We stayed up till four in the morning.” 

The blonde gave him a curious look. “Four in the morning? You better have fucked or something.” 

“Shut up. We didn’t. We just ate together, played video games, watched shitty porn, and talked a little bit about ourselves,” Eren said, fighting the full on smile that wanted to work its way to his lips. 

Reiner nodded in approval, reaching for his water bottle. “Sounds like the budding of friendship to me. Before you know it you guys will be ultimate bros who tell each other everything which will hopefully lead to you guys fucking.” 

Eren’s stomach flipped at the mention of telling each other everything. A part of him was still curious about the pills and he wanted to ask Jean, but that’d probably fuck up their apparent budding friendship. After a harsh bite into his sandwich, he shrugged. “We’ll see where it takes us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took me longer than expected. 
> 
> the next chapter is gonna have tons of jean and eren. 
> 
> comments and kudos appreciated!


	5. Messy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even when Jean and Eren don't fuck things up, they still manage to find a way to fuck things up.

“I can’t believe I just did that,” he breathed, “I can’t believe you talked me into doing that.”

Jean gave him a lopsided smirk. “I didn’t talk you into doing anything. I just told you to go for it. All the tattoos you’re covered in and no piercings? Like c’mon.”

Eren glared at him over his phone. He was looking into his cell phone camera for the nth time because holy shit he had a septum piercing and he wanted to make sure it was there every ten to fifteen minutes. He knew it wasn’t going anywhere, but the pain had mostly worn off and so he figured it couldn’t hurt to double check.

Even though Jean was still the instigator in his book, Eren invited himself on Jean’s trip to meet Hanji at the piercing and tattoo place his Levi and her own together. Apparently, Jean had a thing for getting pierced and tattooed back to back so the healing processes were easier to manage together. If he would’ve known Jean was going so sudden after their discussion about piercings the other night, he would’ve done some research. And by research, he meant Googling the pain of certain piercings and watching YouTube videos to freak himself out to the point of most likely backing out.

But after watching Jean get a fourth hole on both sides of his ear no problem, laughing and joking with Hanji about how he was a walking pin cushion, the idea of a piercing didn’t seem too bad. Eren was slightly apprehensive about letting the over enthusiastic Hanji near him with a needle, but if Jean didn’t die in the process then maybe he’d survive too.

He quickly opted out of the idea of getting his ears pierced since literal babies got their ears pierced. The three of them then had a brief conversation of what piercing would be easy for him to hide at work with a somewhat short healing time yet not too horribly painful.

Jean pointed at his nose and before Eren knew it, he had a pair of clamps and a needle through the thin cartilage of his septum with tears welling up in his eyes. He hated to admit that Jean was right. The pain wasn’t down right terrible, just fast and alarming to the senses. Not to mention it actually made his nose look pretty cute.

After his mildly traumatizing experience, Eren managed to convince Jean that the two of them should go out to eat after his minor blood loss. So now they were sitting in a booth across from each other in some burger and shake joint doing their usual Jean and Eren bickering like a married couple after they placed their orders.

Eren set his phone down, deciding to be somewhat civil instead. “How many piercings do you have anyway?”

“As of today, thirteen,” Jean said with a straw in between his lips.

“What made you into them? You never seemed like a piercings type growing up.”

Jean furrowed his eyebrows, taking another sip of his water. “You’re over here covered in tattoos and I can’t have piercings?”

Eren returned the same look, swallowing a gulp of his chocolate milkshake. “Shut up, that’s not what I asked you.”

Jean upturned his lip at him in a grimace. “I just find them aesthetically pleasing. Are you happy with that answer?”

“Not entirely, but that’ll do,” Eren said, licking whip cream off his straw.

Jean’s eyes briefly followed the length of Eren’s tongue down the red straw, picking up the white cream in one swipe. He reached for his water again as a distraction and hoped his cheeks weren’t heating up. “What’s up with your fear of needles though? Or piercings rather?”

“It’s my dad’s fault. My real father, Grisha.” Eren spat his name like a bad taste in his mouth. “He was a doctor in case you forgot. Since he was a doctor, he’d be the one to give me shots and stuff. It’s just one of those dumb childhood memories. It’s stupid.”

Jean’s expression softened into one of understanding, suddenly thinking back on his not so perfect childhood. “I get it. There are certain foods I can’t eat thanks to my mom and the bad memories associated with it.” He mentally cringed at the thought of omurice and everything else that made him overweight as a kid. Even this burger joint was making him a little antsy.

Eren looked up from stirring his milkshake, wearing a look of surprise. “Um, thanks,” he mumbled. “And thanks for letting me go with you. I didn’t want to do nothing on a Saturday.”

“You’ve run out of real friends to hang out with, so I’m your last resort?” Jean joked, sneering at him from across the table.

Eren sucked his teeth. “Be happy I’m even gracing you with my presence. Besides, all my  _real_  friends are actually busy today.” He said, wanting to wipe the smirk off Jean’s pretty face. “You’re a backup friend.”

“Wow, friend? I never thought I’d hear the f-word out of your mouth aimed at me other than fuck you.”

“Oh shit. That is the first time I’ve ever called you a friend,” Eren acknowledged, “this shit is moving real fast.”

“Who’re you telling?” Jean sighed. “I honestly never thought I’d see the day.”

“Same here,” Eren retorted, the waiter with trays across the room catching his eye. “Our food’s here by the way.”

Jean glanced over his shoulder at the female now suddenly at their table. Jean grimaced as she placed Eren’s double cheese burger with onion rings on his side of the table, because how could he eat like that and look that fucking good? Jean’s own order of a turkey burger with French fries looked just as appetizing, albeit not as greasy or fattening.

“Is there anything else I can get the two of you?” She smiled, dimples on display.

Eren and Jean shared a look and shook their heads. “No thank you,” Jean answered.

“Oh, and I forgot to ask earlier. Together or separate, for the check?”

They shared another look, one of agreement before answering simultaneously. “Separate.”

“All right, thank you! Both of you enjoy your meals.” She enthused before heading to a booth several rows down.

“I would’ve paid for both of us you know,” Eren said after a moment. “I still owe you for eating your leftover food when we first moved in together.”

“I nearly forgot about that,” Jean mumbled, slightly glaring at him. “But it’s fine. I’ll make you owe me another time. Plus I don’t want her to think we’re on a date or something.” Even though that was a complete lie, he liked antagonizing Eren like kids on a playground.

Eren had two onion rings shoved in his mouth and another one around his finger like a greasy diamond ring, his teal eyes narrowing at Jean’s words. “What’s wrong with going on a date with me?” He demanded after swallowing.

“The way you just ate those onion rings said enough.” Jean laughed, dunking a couple of fries in ketchup.

Eren bared his teeth at him in annoyance, reaching for another onion ring nonetheless. “What are you into anyway?”

Jean was in the process of reaching for his burger, looking up to give him a quizzical look. “You mean like sexuality?”

“Well yeah,” Eren shrugged. “I’ve never really seen you interested in someone before.”

In that moment Jean was happy he had a mouth full of burger since he felt a cheesy romantic movie sentence ready to tumble from his lips about how he’s been interested in Eren since forever. “I’m attracted to boys and girls if that means anything. I just haven’t found someone that’s my type yet.”

“What’s your type? Someone just as horrible as you are?” Eren sneered, licking melted cheese off his finger.

“No dumbass,” Jean countered, lightly kicking Eren under the table. “I dunno. I’ve never really put it into words. They just have to be mildly attractive, have piercings or tattoos, nice personality, and have some type of intelligence.”

“It sounds like you have high standards.”

“It sounds like you should shut the fuck up,” Jean claimed, frowning at how beautiful Eren looked when he was mocking him. “I’m sure your standards are just as high or worse.”

“First off, unlike you, I’m not really attracted to girls. So my standards are already half of yours.” Eren announced, another onion ring resting on his pointer finger. “Second, I like who I like. The things you mentioned would be nice additions though.”

“You’re so full of shit,” Jean scoffed. “Nice additions my ass. You’re just as shallow as the rest of the world.”

Eren stepped on Jean’s foot under the table. “Shut up, that’s not true!” He argued, wanting this time to kiss the smug look off Jean’s face. “Let’s just finish our food.”

“You’re the one who started asking questions.” Jean reminded, returning the gesture under the table.

Eren’s foot came down on Jean’s once more. “Fuck you, I was trying to make conversation!”

“If we weren’t in public, I’d have punched you by now.” Jean threatened, kicking his shin.

“Ugh, you’re so frustrating,” Eren said, planting his feet on the floor when a waiter walked past and gave them a strange look. “I’m gonna mess you up when we get home.”

Jean scoffed in return, going back to his French fries by trying to hide the rush of heat he felt at Eren’s choice of words. “We’ll see about that.”

 

* * *

 

They were nowhere near messing each other up, far from it in fact. The two of them somehow ended up on the couch channel surfing in between what was on Saturday midday television. They stuck to reruns of cartoons, women shopping for the wedding dresses of their dreams, family game shows, to couples searching for upscale houses in other states or tropical locations.

Surprising to both of them, it was quite nice. Jean and Eren started off on opposite sides of the couch but eventually got closer through each program. They had casual fights over which bride picked the better dress, what house or condo was worth paying for, and whose answer to the game show was right.

It resulted in elbows to the ribs, a shoving match to see who could get who off the couch, and a childish escalation of sitting on each other until the other said they were right. They had no choice but to settle down once they knocked against each other’s fresh piercings, resulting in minor stinging and a round of the blame game before they sat still.

Jean found it difficult to concentrate this time around, Eren’s legs stretched across his lap while a family of four searched for a home in Turks and Caicos. Eren changed into basketball shorts upon arrival and after all their shifting and childlike grudge matches, the material had risen up to Eren’s upper thighs.

Unfortunately for Jean, he had a thing for thighs. Why he had a thing for one of the fleshiest parts of the body when he hated flesh on himself, he’d never know. To make matters worse, Eren had his favorite type of thighs, lean and moderately thick. Add the bronze hue of his skin and he could barely keep his eyes off during the whole television program.

Leave it to Eren to unintentionally tease him further by lifting his arms over his head in a stretch during a commercial, his t-shirt rising just enough for him to see a dusting of dark brown hair leading to the waistband of his shorts and the taut muscle of his abs.

Moments like this not only reminded him how very partially gay he was, but how physically attracted he was to Eren no matter what he did. It was maddening. Especially when Eren shifted to get comfortable sometime later, his clothing hiking up further and leaving Jean’s fingertips (that so badly wanted to touch him) on edge.

At that point, Jean was thankful that his phone began to vibrate in his pocket. He reached for it and knocked Eren’s legs away without a care. Jean ignored the evil eye that was being given to him on the other side of the couch since a glance at the caller I.D. caused a spike of dread to erupt in his stomach. It was his mother.

“I have to take this,” Jean mumbled to Eren, quickly walking to the secluded space of his room. He took a deep breath before dragging his thumb across the screen to answer. “Hello?”

“Jean-bo! I haven’t heard from you in a while, how have you been?” She enthused upon hearing her son’s voice.

Jean bit back a frustrated sigh, taking a seat on the edge of his bed. “I’m fine mother. How are you?”

“I’m good. I’ve just missed you Jean-bo. I know University must keep you busy but I haven’t seen you in a while. When are you going to visit?”

His last visit was Thanksgiving since his mother went to France for Christmas to spend time with his grandmother. It’s almost been three months since then, but for a good reason and it wasn’t just university. However, Jean knew his mother better than anyone. If he didn’t visit her himself, she’d do one of her embarrassing pop up visits that he was never prepared for. “Are you busy tomorrow? I can come over then.”

“That sounds wonderful.” She chimed. "I can make lunch. Do you have a taste for anything?”

The memories associated with his mother’s cooking were terrible. They were usually accompanied by tears and hating his reflection in the mirror, but he’d be a liar if didn’t admit it was still good. “No mother, make whatever you want,” Jean answered, drumming his fingers on his thigh. “Look, I’m busy watching something with a friend. I’ll show up tomorrow a little after noon, okay?”

“That’s perfect! See you tomorrow Jean-bo!” The smile in her voice was evident.

“Bye mother.” He said, hanging up as soon as he finished talking.

Jean tossed his phone on the bed, covering his hands with his face while taking in another deep breath. He hated visiting his mother. He loved her yet sometimes he completely hated her. His relationship with food became the way it was because of her and that was just something he couldn’t forget over the course of his life.

At a young age, he associated eating with comfort and a replacement for his feelings after he was teased for his weight at school. As he got older, he realized his mother was one of the main reasons for his childhood weight gain. He was able to eat whenever, whatever, and however much he wanted without her even trying to put a stop to it.

Eventually, he learned how to cook by helping her in the kitchen, causing him to feed more of his own bad habits and weight increase while she said nothing and smiled at her Jean-bo. Even when he’d come home sad or crying from school, when he’d gotten in trouble for writing fake sick notes for gym class, and when he’d lie about being sick just so he could skip out on school altogether. She never did anything but occasionally scold him for his mishaps, but he wished she would’ve taken his obvious cry for help seriously.

As far as he was concerned, his eating disorder, his poor self-image, and his love-hate relationship with food stemmed from her. Jean knew she wasn’t all to blame completely, but when his mood was down and the memories from his childhood would resurface after midnight with tears running down his cheeks, she was one of the first things he thought about.

Visiting her only made these memories resurface mixed with the nostalgia that came with eating her food again and being in his childhood home. He suddenly wished to take his promise back, not feeling ready to face her again with his self-image going back down (thanks to living with a chiseled, tan hottie) and drudged up bad recollections from when he was an overweight kid.

She never let him forget it too. That he was her cute and chubby little Jean-bo back then. Not to mention the family photos scattered around the house from school picture days and a couple of candids that he wanted to rip to pieces and burn in the fireplace. Of course, she as a parent would find their own child in their fat kid phase cute, but for him, it was like a documentation of how he got to the fucked-up person he was today.

Jean pinched the bridge of his nose, fighting the waves of anxiety for what tomorrow would bring. He hoped he looked somewhat calm once he sat himself down next Eren again and not the internal mess that was already brewing.

Apparently, he wasn’t serene enough for Eren. After feeling Eren’s eyes on him for the nth time, Jean snapped while sucking his teeth. “God dammit Eren, what do you wanna say?”

“Who says I wanna say anything?” Eren asked, suddenly snapping his eyes to the television.

“You’re fucking staring at me,” Jean chided, “That obviously means you wanna say something to me, so say it.”

Eren dug his teeth into his bottom lip, obviously showing his inner struggle of what he wanted to say next before sighing in defeat. “I wanted to ask if you were okay. You seem pissed off. Well, more than usual.”

Jean quirked an eyebrow, not sure whether to be shocked or enjoy this rare moment for what it was. “Why do you care?”

“Fuck you, Jean. I thought we were trying to be friends. Friends ask each other if they’re okay.”

“You’re using the f-word a lot,” Jean said with a soft smile.

“Oh shut up,” Eren countered, “Besides, you didn’t answer my question.”

Jean gave him a quizzical look, obtaining a moment of silence before shrugging his shoulders and turning his attention back to the television. “I’m fine.”

Eren scoffed, his eyes roaming on Jean’s form. “There’s no way you’re fine.”

“Why wouldn’t I be fine?” Jean argued, hazel eyes meeting teal.

Eren paused, his brows furrowing together in frustration. “It’s nothing. Forget it.” He coaxed, asserting his focus elsewhere.

Jean’s nervousness suddenly grew at what Eren was trying not to mention due to the simple fact that Eren was never afraid to say anything. Eren was practically unfiltered since he was a child and grew more so when they got older. Jean wanted to know whatever it was so he could dispel whatever assumptions or rumors Eren had in his head. Especially if they were about him and the multiple issues he’s faced over the years.

Jean turned towards him, giving him a threatening look. “Why wouldn’t I be fine, Eren?” He insisted.

Eren was surprised by Jean’s tone at first, shying away before sitting up straight and returning a scowl. “You just don’t seem fine, okay? Plus I know you take Prozac so there’s obviously-”

“What the fuck?” Jean blurted, abruptly standing up and looking down on Eren. “How do you even–”

“It was an accident!” Eren assured, standing up to meet him face to face. “I had to shave my face the other day, so I borrowed your shaving cream and I accidentally knocked over the pills. I wasn’t trying to go through your shit on purpose.”

Jean ran a shaky hand through his hair, quickly wishing he had Xanax or Valium instead to quell the swirling feelings of dread and angst in his stomach. Jean took a deep breath through his nose in an attempt to control his actions. “You know what Eren? Just stay the fuck out of my business, all right?”

“No, not all right.” Eren objected, taking a step closer into his space. “I just want to help Jean. I’m not trying to pity–”

“I don’t want your fucking help Eren!” Jean said, with a shove to his chest. “I minded my business with your bullshit, how about you just mind mine and leave it at that.”

Eren’s first instinct was to shove back until Jean’s words left him confused. “What fucking business are you talking about?”

Jean scoffed, a sardonic grin on his face. “You and Reiner,” he said, closing the distance between them that the shove earlier created. “I know about the two of you.  _Fucking_.” Jean spat the last word like venom, watching the look on Eren’s face morph into pure horror.

Eren initially didn’t know how to react, his head was still reeling from the news and the sneer on Jean’s face was making him sick and downright angry. His usual instincts caught up to him and he reached for Jean’s shirt collar, bringing him down to his eye level. “How the fuck do you know about that?”

“I came home early the other day for my textbook and I overheard the two of you,” Jean answered, prying Eren’s fingers off the neck of his shirt. “I got my shit and left. Because guess what? It’s none of my fucking business.” He finished by pushing Eren into the couch.

Eren was too muddled with the fear of Jean’s knowledge to do anything except watch Jean collect his keys and slam their front door. It wasn’t until after a minute Eren realized he needed to talk to a certain blond, but he wasn’t exactly sure which one he needed to talk to more at the moment.

He knew Reiner was busy working around this time, so that was a no go. Eren reached for his phone and decided to call his second choice instead. “Hey Armin, are you busy? I need some advice. Like really fucking bad.”

 

* * *

 

Jean did what he did best in these situations. The ones where knew he messed up bad and wanted to ramble all his thoughts together into one sentence. He went to Marco without a second thought. The ride over was mostly him talking to himself, regretting everything that spewed out of his mouth between him and Eren. He was also starting to regret even trying to be friends with someone he’s been slightly head over heels for since middle school in hopes of something more.

He called Marco when he was five minutes away, double checking that he was at home and not busy with either homework or Mike. The panic in his voice over the phone must have been evident since he didn’t have a chance to ring the doorbell before Marco was opening the door and giving him a look over to make sure he was okay. It was understandable since his previous fights with Eren ended in physical blows and bruises.

It was after Marco brought him a cup of chocolate chai tea, did he begin to slightly relax. The couch he sat on suddenly felt more comfortable and his freak out seemed less serious. Jean finished off half his mug before deciding to start their impending conversation. “I’m pretty sure I fucked up with Eren.”

“Some details would be nice,” Marco said, setting his cup down on the coffee table. “I thought you and Eren were doing well these last couple of days. What happened?”

Jean chugged the remnants of his warm drink and grew thankful he finally caved into taking real sugar for once instead of zero calorie packets. “I thought we were doing well too,” he started, “But you know how me and Eren are. Our fucking mouths work faster than our brains so then we end up offending each other completely. Anyway, do you want our whole day together or do you just want the fight we had?”

“I’d prefer the whole day version. I didn’t think it was possible for the two of you to do that without killing each other.”

Jean rolled his eyes, fiddling with the still warm mug in his palms. “Well, it ended in an argument so close enough. Nonetheless, the day started off fine I guess. I was gonna get my ears pierced and Eren invited himself to come with me.”

“I thought he had a fear of needles. Minus tattooing of course.” Marco questioned, picking up his cup again.

“He does, but he somehow managed to go through with getting his septum pierced.”

“Aw, that’s cute,” Marco smiled. “The two of you have matching piercings now.”

Jean gave his best friend a disgusted look in return before continuing. “Anyways, after that, we went and had lunch at that burger place in the mini mall where the piercing place was.”

“That sounds nice. But for the record, all of this sounds like a date.” Marco commented, downing the rest of his drink.

Jean sank into the couch with a dejected sigh. “It does, doesn’t it? If we weren’t Jean and Eren things could’ve ended a lot fucking differently.”

“How would you have wanted it to end? I know you’ve always had a thing for Eren, but is this thing romantic or even sexual? You both act civilized with each other for one second and then the next you’re reaching for each other throats.”

“I know,” he breathed, “It’s fucking pathetic, but that’s the way it’s always been between us. It’s gonna be near impossible to change. And I don’t know what this thing is. A mixture of pining and infatuation maybe? Either way, I fucking hate it and I want it to go away.”

Marco nodded in understanding, watching Jean suddenly pick at a hangnail. “Well, all that aside. What was the fight about?”

“Well, it started off with my mom calling me about visiting her tomorrow. You know how tweaked I get after I get off the phone with her. I guess it was obvious to Eren because he asked me if I was okay and shit. He wouldn’t leave it alone and apparently, he found the Prozac Bertolt gave me.”

Marco’s eyebrows rose in shock. “Oh wow. How’d he find it? Don’t you usually hide it somewhere?”

“I don’t exactly hide it. I just put it under my bathroom cabinet, because the only person that should be going under there is just me.” Jean exclaimed, pointing at his own chest. “Leave it to Jaeger to borrow my shaving cream and find the pills in the process.”

“Let me guess, he said something about trying to help and you got defensive?”

“You know me so well,” Jean mumbled, a sarcastic smile forming on his lips. “If only Eren was that receptive when it came me.”

Marco shrugged. “You have to give Eren some time. You guys necessarily haven’t been the best of friends even though you’re practically the same person.”

Jean slightly narrowed his eyes at him. He’s been compared to Eren since middle school and it still irks him to this day. “If me and him were the same person, he would have kept his mouth shut.”

“Maybe he was genuinely worried about you.” Marco pointed out. “Eren isn’t necessarily the best at keeping things to himself. Or gentle confrontation at that.”

“Trust me, I’ve noticed,” Jean sighed. “To make matters worse, I threw one of his dirty little secrets back in his face.”

Marco’s eyebrows drew together in confusion. “Eren with a dirty little secret? Since when?”

Jean took a deep breath through his nose, scratching at the back of his undercut to avoid saying the next words. “Eren and Reiner are hooking up.” He said, followed by a thick swallow. “I don’t know how often or what their relationship is based on, but they’re definitely having sex.”

“Oh wow,” Marco breathed, his freckled cheeks suddenly a tint of pink, “That’s pretty wow. How’d you find out?”

“I came home early to get my textbook. It sounded like someone was having sex, so I was being hopeful the two of them were watching shitty televised porn. Sadly, the noises sounded like the people were actually enjoying it, so I peeked into Eren’s room through his cracked open door. And voila, it was them.”

“Damn. When did this happen?”

“Fuck, like two days ago,” Jean said, messing with the metal bar to his industrial piercing. “But I was honestly planning on keeping it to myself. Not to mention I’m slightly traumatized from seeing Reiner’s bare ass.”

“Everyone’s seen his ass. He’s usually the first person to skinny dip at pool parties.” Marco laughed.

Jean frowned, his eyes narrowing as he did so. “It’s different when he’s fucking the person I’m infatuated with and pining after. I don’t even know if I should mention it to Bertolt or not.”

“That’s an incredibly tough decision,” Marco mumbled, pursing his lips after in thought. “Bertolt definitely wants a redo with Reiner at some point, right?”

“Yes, yes he does. Sooner better than later at that.” Jean admitted. “But it also doesn’t make it any better since me and Bertolt hook up every once in a while. This whole situation is a fucking train wreck, so I think I’m gonna keep it to myself. I feel like it’s just not my place to tell him something like that. Especially when it makes me feel like a two-faced dick.”

Marco shrugged. “Do what you think is best. The situation is definitely messy, so who knows what might happen. You might not have to say anything.”

Jean sucked his teeth, resting his elbows on his knees. “I still shouldn’t have said anything to Eren.” He groaned, his hand raking messily through his hair. “Fuck, I should’ve just walked away from the conversation.”

Marco placed a warm hand on his friend’s shoulder. “You didn’t know the conversation was going to head in that direction.”

“Yeah but still,” Jean started, “I need to keep my mouth shut and not push everybody’s own bullshit back into their faces.”

“Did Eren ask how you knew about him and Reiner?”

Jean frowned, sinking back into the couch. “I told him a half truth. I said that I heard them but I didn’t mention the part where I actually saw them. That would’ve been fucking weird.”

Marco nodded in understanding. “It was gonna come out sooner or later I guess.”

“I rather it had been later. Like years later after we’ve graduated and I don’t live with Eren. Where I can look back and laugh at the situation. I’m just gonna look back on this shit and be annoyed.” Jean said, his eyebrows drawing together at the future memory.

“That would’ve been a nicer scenario,” Marco laughed, “but what’s done, is done, Jean. You and Eren just need to talk now. I’m sure he’s probably freaking out to either Armin or Mikasa right now.”

Jean sucked his teeth. “Great. Now more people are going to know I get Prozac from Bertolt. They’re all probably going to treat me like a fucking delicate teacup next time I’m around all of them.”

“Or maybe Eren might find a way to keep it to himself. He’s not exactly one to gossip.”

Jean sighed heavily through his nose, placing his hands behind his head. “He still knows. That’s a problem in itself.”

“Look, Jean, you know I love you and I know you don’t wanna hear this,” Marco said, turning to face him, “But maybe you should just tell him more about yourself. I’m not saying everything at once but just start somewhere. You know Eren’s not perfect and grew up in a difficult way, so he probably could understand you pretty well.”

Jean stayed silent for a moment, looking straight ahead at the deep blue wall. After licking his lips, he quickly shook his head. “I can’t. That means he’ll know me, Marco.” Jean said, distinctive sadness and hurt lacing his tone. “I don’t want him to know me. Shit, my own mom barely even knows me. So how could I tell Eren? How could I tell him that I’ve practically hated myself since middle school? That my second-best friend was a tooth brush for my bulimia in high school?

“Or that if it wasn’t for the fact that the dentist noticed the stomach acid wearing away the enamel of my teeth, I probably wouldn’t have stopped? And how soon after I went through long periods of fasting and I got checked into an eating disorder rehab center. Fuck, and about how much I cried when the psychiatrist told me to eat an apple and told me I couldn’t put it on a food scale.”

Jean’s hand was in his hair again, his eyes beginning to sting with tears. “That’s just the fucking surface, Marco. I don’t even want to get into how sometimes I just look at myself in the mirror naked and start crying. How I can see my old stretch marks through my some of my tattoos and remember how they got there. I don’t want Eren to know me. I’m fucked up and I don’t want him to have that power over me.”

Marco frowned, watching his best friend wipe away an escaped tear down his cheek. “He has to know you at some point,” Marco said, his voice soft. “You’re living with him, Jean. Plus I still worry about you, you know? It’d be nice to ask Eren if you’re eating enough and if you look good. Even now, I know you’re still counting calories almost every day. I just wanna see my best friend happy and healthy.”

Jean’s eyes meet Marco’s in mutual understanding before he sighed. “Trust me, I want to be happy and healthy. I’m twenty years old and I’ve never felt those two adjectives before in the whole entire two decades I’ve been alive.”

“Hopefully we can change that this year,” Marco said, with a promising smile. “All that aside, talk to Eren, please. The two of you were just getting close and I’d hate to see your relationship strained after having a nice day together. Besides, you guys still have three months of living with each other. There’s no way around that.”

“I hate it when you’re right.” Jean breathed, slouching further into the couch. “But I’m not ready to go back home yet. You don’t have any plans, right?”

“Nope,” Marco claimed with a shake of his head. “I was just gonna start making dinner for Mike and me. He has the late night, early morning shift so I was gonna put his food to the side so he can heat it up.”

Jean slightly grimaced at the mention of food and Marco having a boyfriend coming home to him, a spike of jealousy resting in his stomach. But he’d be a liar if he didn’t admit Marco was a good cook and he didn’t mind helping. The two of them also haven’t had a best friend night in a while. “Do you mind if I stick around and help?”

Marco’s mood visibly brightened. “I’m making spaghetti actually, so could you make some of those French rolls? I haven’t had your baking in forever.”

Baking and cooking were a part of his previous weight downfall, but he tended to use it as a distraction nowadays. Jean took a glance at his watch and noticed it was a little bit after seven, but he really didn’t want to make it home and until much later. “Sure. I can make you something for dessert too.”

“You don’t have to do all that,” Marco said, picking up their mugs as he stood. “There is a box of cake mix and frosting in the pantry though.”

“Good, because I really don’t wanna go home right now. Chances are, Eren’s probably not even there, but I don’t want to take the chance that he is.”

“You have to face him sooner or later!” Marco called from the kitchen.

Jean scowled to himself, getting off the couch before heading in his friend’s direction. “As of right now I don’t and that’s good enough for me.”

 

* * *

 

“So I’ve come to the conclusion that I need my mouth sewn shut,” Eren said with an exhale of smoke after explaining the whole situation. “Literally nothing good comes of me opening my mouth anymore. I just dig myself into deeper shit and ruin everything.”

“Well, you’re just not afraid to say anything,” Armin assured. “Plus, neither is Jean and that just creates a mess for both of you.”

“This is more than a fucking mess,” Eren asserted with a flick of his cigarette, the ash dropping to the ground. “This is like a twenty-car pileup on a one-way street in the middle of nowhere with like ten percent battery life. This is fucking ridiculous.”

“You can’t beat yourself up about this Eren. Yeah, you were concerned about Jean, but there are appropriate times and places for confrontation about those types of things. Especially your assumption that he’s even taking the Prozac. He could’ve been holding it for Bertolt in case he came over or something.”

Eren took a long drag off the cigarette, stubbing it out while the remaining smoke flowed through his nose. “Ugh, I know. I guess I wasn’t thinking. Maybe I was just too worried about him. Yeah, I’ve known Jean my whole life but I don’t _know_  Jean. We’ve been actually trying to be friends for about a week and it’s much harder than I thought.”

Armin shrugged, setting down his cup of decaf coffee next to his geography textbook. “You like Jean a lot, don’t you?”

“God fucking dammit I do,” Eren admitted, his eyes narrowed at the sunset before him. “It’s fucking weird since I barely even know him but I like him and it’s stupid. It’s like one of those what we could’ve been things where I sometimes just picture how right yet so wrong we are for each other and it drives me up the wall.”

“You’ve practically liked him since elementary,” Armin brought up. “You guys wouldn’t talk much, but the little disagreements you had about coloring techniques and which Pokémon game was better was more than enough. And you defended him when he got a little chubby back then too.”

Eren’s eyebrows knit together, pulling his eyes away from the plethora of colors the sky had to offer to look at the blonde next to him. “I almost forgot about that,” he mumbled to himself, a sudden smile pulling to his lips. “He was cute back then too. Except one of the days I was telling off those bastards, Jean thought I was making fun of him too. That kind of brought a small rift between us.”

“You were kids,” Armin reminded, “but the rift between you now is more important. Do you know what you’re gonna do?”

“No, no I don’t,” Eren sighed. “I fucking live with him so I have no choice but to talk it out with him. I just don’t want things to turn into the usual shouting or shoving match we’re well known for. I wouldn’t even know how to start it off.”

“Saying how you’re sorry doesn’t sound like a bad start.” Armin smiled.

Eren pouted, the wind putting his hair strands in disarray. “That phrase doesn’t come easy to me. I know I’m in the wrong but dammit it’s not fair.”

“You have to say it eventually. Like you said, you live with him. And you know Ymir is coming back on Monday. She’s going to want to throw a party and most likely at your place.”

“Fuck, I nearly forgot.” Eren groaned. “Dammit and I still have to talk to Reiner. What if Jean tells Bertolt? I feel like that’s a death sentence in itself.”

“He’s not going to. You said you and Reiner had sex days ago. If he didn’t say anything the day of, then why would he say something now? Plus Jean isn’t like that. You guys might hate each other’s guts from time to time, but he wouldn’t outright say something personal about somebody else.”

“It’s still mildly terrifying,” he reminded, a feeling of dread building in his stomach. “What if he thinks me and Reiner are together? That’ll probably increase the negative eighty percent chance I have with Jean to a negative one hundred fifty percent chance.”

Armin tucked a blond strand behind his ear, humming in understanding. “I don’t think that’s true. The day you guys had together sounds pretty nice. It was practically a date even.”

“Shit, that was like a date, wasn’t it?” Eren questioned, recalling the events in his head. “If I didn’t fuck it up, it could’ve ended much different.”

“How would you have wanted it to end?”

Eren chewed at his bottom lip, the question catching him off guard. “Fuck, I don’t know. A kiss would’ve been really, really nice. I would take even falling asleep on the couch together. I’m romantically starved. All this hooking up with Reiner for years has made me want a real relationship for once.”

“You’re still young you know,” Armin said after a sip of his coffee. “I’m sure you’ll be in one sometime soon.”

“Easy for you to say,” Eren retorted, scowling at his friend. “You had a hot jock boyfriend all through high school and now that really fucking hot teacher’s assistant has taken an interest in you too. You know what it’s like to be happy with someone and do mushy romantic shit. I’ve just been fucked into a mattress more times than I can count while wishing it was somebody else.” He finished softly, sinking into the patio chair with a dejected look.

Armin frowned, watching Eren look out into the midday sky with empty eyes. He pursed his lips, trying to find the right words. “I know you hate it when I say this, but everything happens for a reason. Maybe the time for you and Jean to be together isn’t right at the moment. Just give it some time and I promise you’ll be with him soon. You’re already living in the same place thanks to a turn of events, who knows what could happen next?”

Eren looked at his friend out the corner of his eye before focusing on a particularly pink cloud. “I don’t fucking know, but I’m ready to find out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um wow, it's been a year. i'm seriously sorry about that, but! my love of jeaneren has returned full force and i've decided to take a different route with this story that i like better that excites me. i'm not sure if it'll make it longer or shorter, but we'll see. 
> 
> i honestly don't know when the next chapter will be since i start school again next week and i have another in progress story i started (i know just fuck me up). i promise i won't take a year again. 
> 
> i hope you guys liked this chapter though! 
> 
> comments and kudos appreciated. ✌️


	6. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He and Jean weren’t exactly the closest and probably weren’t going to be for a very long time, but Eren refused to give up on that. Whether that happened in months or years, he was willing to go for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **chapter warning** for jean going through some bad body image, self-hate, and eating disorder talk.

Eren yawned for the third time in a row, making his chest hurt, his ears pop, and tears suddenly wet his eyes. He rolled over on the couch, looking at the television but not really watching the rerun of a child’s television show he used to enjoy when he was a kid. It was one in the morning, and Eren was trying his best to stay awake so he could talk to and apologize to Jean. After his talk with Armin and some quiet time that consisted of talking to himself while he ate a nonsensically large sized Caesar salad with potato soup, Eren decided Jean and him couldn’t backtrack in the little progress they had as friends.

He and Jean weren’t exactly the closest and probably weren’t going to be for a very long time, but Eren refused to give up on that. Largely in part, it was because he wanted to fight for Jean. Fighting for Jean really meant that Eren wanted to get to know Jean and gain his trust so much so that Jean saw him as a potential love interest. Whether that happened in months or years, he was willing to go for it. There was still only one problem with that, going for it was scary.

He was Eren Jaeger, so he shouldn’t be afraid of going for it, but in this case, he actually was. He’d done and said tons of questionable shit in his life, all without thought and with quick abandon, but entering a relationship with a childhood crush wasn’t something one doesn’t without thought. Especially if that crush is a spitfire like himself with obvious walls that were meant to keep people out of his business.

That part of Jean made sense to him. He had his own walls and things he wanted to keep to himself. Life was hard, people went through shit, and sharing that stuff with people other than yourself was nearly impossible. He pushed back memories from his childhood all the time, and he knew that wasn’t making his life any better, but it was a hell of a lot easier. Plus, he had no idea went Jean went through. If Armin hadn’t reminded him, he would’ve forgotten that Jean wasn’t in the states for a couple of school years. That didn’t necessarily mean anything since life happens and people move around, but Jean obviously came back different.

Jean was almost as boisterously eccentric and as loud as Eren was when they both showed their true colors. But after a couple years in France and wherever the fuck he went through, he was different. If Eren knew Marco was Jean’s best friend before, it was evident more than ever when he came back and really only associated with him. When Jean started opening up to Bertolt and the others, it was obvious that he was a changed man. Jean was noticeably thinner and taller, but that was expected thanks to puberty, and yet his demeanor was suddenly more reserved. 

It was never really brought up, but Eren wasn’t stupid enough to not recognize the fact that his crush was noticeably different. What aspects he was different in, he wasn’t exactly sure, but he wanted to find out so that they could be on better terms. And pushing Jean's antidepressant use and having him overhear Eren having sex with Reiner was definitely a path to them not being on good terms or not being on terms at all. They were only living together for another three months, where a lot could happen and couldn’t happen if the proper moves weren’t made.

Eren chewed his lip, incorrectly ripping off a piece of skin that resulted in slight bleeding. He sucked his teeth in annoyance, still chewing on his lip in another section since bad habits were impossible to stop. He then decided to get a snack of some sort, his soup and salad dinner not being enough to ease the hunger from his stomach for a whole night. After a couple of steps to the kitchen, he opened the pantry and then the fridge, thinking of all the possible concoctions that’d result in a satisfying snack.

In the midst of his thought process, Eren remembered that he bought fresh bread, which meant a sandwich was in order. Luncheon meat wasn’t exactly something they kept in the house, so it meant that he was forced to eat a peanut butter and jelly. Unfortunately, Jean was the one that last assured him that there was PB&J making things in the house, so he was incredibly irritated when he saw that all they had was crunchy peanut butter and some type of strawberry spread. Of course, Eren would normally eat those things, but like the PB&J lover he was, he wanted options. This meant no options.

Eren rolled his eyes, going forth with making the sandwich. It was when he was done making the first sandwich, that he heard Jean walk in through the front door. Eren looked at the clock built into the oven, the time was half past one in the morning. He pressed his lips into a line while he set up another two slices of bread for his next sandwich, wondering if now was really the time to try and talk to Jean when their fight was hours ago.

He didn’t have much time to give it thought because Jean was walking into the kitchen, a plastic bag in hand and a bored look on his face. Jean’s face quickly morphed from disinterest to mild alarm at seeing Eren awake and in the kitchen. Eren noticed Jean’s Adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed, evidently trying to find words upon running into him so early in the morning.

Eren decided to fracture the awkward silence for them. “I stayed up late, so I could talk to you,” Eren began, sticking the knife in the peanut butter, “I’m sorry for earlier. I probably shouldn’t have said anything at all. You’re right, I should mind my business.”

Jean took in his words, setting down his plastic bag and taking a seat at the eat-in kitchen island. He wore a look of mild surprise after Eren finished his statement. “Um, I’m sorry too,” he admitted, trying his best to meet Eren’s eyes through his confession. “And you were obviously worried about me and trying to be a friend, so you don’t have to mind your business. I was being a jackass.”

“It’s fine, I get it. We’re not cool like that, so I have no right to talk about shit I don’t know about.” Eren said, going back to making his sandwich. 

Jean shrugged, feeling sheepish at the situation. “Look, we’ll just keep apologizing back and forth. We’re just not used to each other, and we always aggravate each other for no reason, so we just have to do better at trying to become friends and learn how to approach each other.”

Eren nodded, licking a smear of strawberry spread off his pointer finger. “Agreed,” he replied, gently placing his two slices of bread together to finish the sandwich. “But, I’m still sorry about the Reiner thing.”

Jean gave Eren a quizzical look. “Are you apologizing for having sex with your friend?”

“No!” Eren countered, “I’m apologizing because I probably put you in a weird position. You know, with Bertolt being your close friend and all.”

“Yeah, you kinda did,” Jean mumbled, watching Eren put away everything he used. “But it’s not your fault. You’re single, Reiner’s single, and people like to have sex. You can do whatever you want. Plus, it’s still none of my business.”

Eren frowned to himself, washing off the knife he used placing it back in the utensil drawer. He wished Jean sounded more upset about it. “I guess,” he said, picking up his sandwich. “It doesn’t matter though. I’m done with that hooking up shit anyway.”

Jean’s eyebrows rose in interest, leaning back in the chair. “What, you’re trying to settle down or something?”

Eren made sure to chew his bite of sandwich a little longer than necessary, trying to figure out how he wanted to respond. “No, not exactly. I’m just interested in someone, and satisfying my libido with Reiner isn’t gonna help that situation.”

“That’s understandable,” Jean said, placing his elbow on the counter and resting his face against his palm. “Do I know the guy you’re interested in?”

Eren and Jean’s eye contact suddenly felt heavy, Eren being the first one to look away so he could reach for his cup of milk. “Maybe, it’s a small world,” he answered after a sip. “Why do you wanna know?”

“I just wanted to tease you in case he was out of your league,” Jean quipped with a smile.

Eren paused mid-bite, narrowing his eyes at Jean’s smug expression, but also at himself. He wanted to kiss that look off Jean’s face. “Oh please, no one’s out of my league. Especially not him. He’d be honored to have me, even if he doesn’t know it yet.”

Jean listened with a smile, taking in the view of Eren finishing off his sandwich. “If you say so Jaeger,” he said, stretching his arms over his head with a yawn. “Normally I’d stay up and prove you wrong, but I’m going to bed. I have to see my mom tomorrow.” He finished while standing up.

Eren nodded, after polishing off the rest of his milk. “Oh alright, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Jean replied after placing his plastic bag in the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water. “Goodnight.”

“Night,” Eren responded, watching Jean retreat to his room.

After a while, Eren smiled. Not only satisfied by how their conversation went but content with where their relationship was possibly headed.

 

* * *

 

Jean wasn’t happy. Unsurprisingly, his mom was the cause of that. He usually enjoyed his Sunday’s, sticking to a routine by doing last minute homework, reading articles, doing laundry, straightening up his room and bathroom, and even catching up on television shows that he missed throughout the week. Now, he was at his mom’s dining room table waiting for her to bring out dessert after a foreseen omurice lunch. He enjoyed his favorite childhood meal, tasting as palatable as it did when he was a kid. He didn’t let the memories of himself being a chubby kid at the eat-in kitchen table practically begging for it after school overwhelm him. But now that dessert was on its way, he couldn’t help but feel perturbed, and suddenly want to scrub his toilet and vacuum the whole condo instead. 

He already knew what dessert it was since he smelt it upon entering the house, a French apple pie. Jean hated how he could practically taste it on his tongue, the tender spiced apples and the buttery yet sweet streusel topping. It was usually accompanied with a scoop of vanilla bean ice cream, the warmth of the pie and the cold of the ice cream tantalizing his taste buds. Sweets were his thing as a kid and the memories of the holiday season were affiliated with the pie, but that wasn’t the reason why he was uneasy about her bringing it out.

The pie itself wasn’t even a trigger food of his. It was just that he knew what was coming next, a discussion or mediation of some sort. His mother made that pie when he was a kid and wanted to inform him that his parents were getting a divorce. As the food-engrossed kid that he was, he listened but didn’t really care. Especially since his father wasn’t that great to him anyway, having made offhanded and hurtful comments about his weight and not really paying much attention to him.

Then, it happened again after he graduated high school. After relatives from France were on planes to head back home and they cleaned up the house, she took out a pie. Even though Jean was still in his anorexia stage, he decided to appease her that day and eat a piece rather than chew it for the flavor and spit it into a trash can. When he was halfway through his slice, and taking a sip of water with bites to make himself feel fuller, she placed a brochure for an eating disorder rehabilitation center in front of him.

It stung. He knew that he was lying to his mother in the first place about doing better with his eating disorder after she found out about his bulimia. Anorexia wasn’t exactly an upgrade, but he considered it one. Less lying about why he was in the bathroom for long periods of time, why he bought a lot of and carried around mints and mouthwash, and the overall gross feeling he felt after purposely making himself sick by triggering his gag reflex. Starving himself to the point of light headedness and immense hunger pains was a lot simpler, but obviously not unnoticeable from his mother.

Jean immediately got mad at her that day, the two of them having a small shouting match over his health and what he was doing to himself. She gave him an ultimatum that night, go to the rehab center or she wasn’t going to pay for the parts of University that his scholarship didn’t cover and his car. Of course, he chose to go to the center and have financial stability, but that didn’t stop him from purposely sticking his fingers down his throat to rid his system of the pie. He did it out of spite to his mother and as a form of self-punishment, wondering why he thought it was okay to eat something as sugary and fattening as a slice of pie after a glance in the mirror.

Obviously, his mother only used that pie to confront him about dismal situations only twice in his life, but Jean also knew the sayings third time’s the charm and old habits die hard. So, as he watched her cut the pie, cutting an obviously large slice for himself coexisting with a plentiful scoop of vanilla ice cream, he knew that his mom was about to say something upsetting and most likely irritating.

She sat down across from him at the table with a smile, a spoon in her hand about to dig into her culinary creation. “Go on ahead Jean-bo, taste it and tell me what you think. I haven’t made it in so long, I wasn’t sure if it tastes like it used to.”

Jean hid his expression at her mentioning that she hadn’t made it in a long time, meaning that he wasn’t being over speculative to the situation. Nevertheless, he dug his spoon into the beginning of the slice, admiring the perfectly placed apple slices and browned streusel on his spoon. He sampled it, the flavors melding together perfectly on his tongue. It was as precise as he remembered it to be. 

“It’s good ma,” he said, digging his spoon back into the slice. “You could never mess this up.”

“Thank you,” she replied, reaching for her tea cup. “Thank you for visiting me too. I know life is busy with school and having to move somewhere else.”

Jean shrugged, chewing his bite of the pie while reaching for his vanilla ice cream. “It’s no problem. I needed a mental break from all of it anyway.”

She nodded, setting her cup back down. “You said you’re living with Eren now? How is he? You guys don’t fight anymore, right?”

He let the cool vanilla dissipate on his tongue before he answered. “Yes, I’m living with him. He’s fine, still in school and stuff. And kinda, we don’t put our hands on each other anymore, but we still disagree from time to time.”

“Oh, well, that’s understandable. I’m sure you two will like each other better by the time you guys move out and back into your old places in a couple of months.”

He nodded, dreading that this small talk was leading up to something. “Yeah, it is, what it is.”

She gave Jean a small smile, enjoying the presence of her son and him eating her food again. “You know Jean-bo, you look really good. It looks like you’re finally putting weight on again. I was beginning to worry that rehab center didn’t work.”

Jean’s chewing slowed, looking at his mother and trying to hide his vexation. Bam, there it is. He remained silent, deciding to finish off the rest of his dessert out of courtesy.

She continued talking after a bite of pie. “The center was sending out letters for after patient check-ups, newsletters, and outside center group meetings to connect with others from the program. I thought you’d be interested.”

He downed the rest of his milk, giving her a vacant look from across the table. He set the glass down a little too hard against the hard wood, the noise causing his mother look at him worriedly. “Jean-bo, is everything alright?”

Jean sighed while leaning back in his chair, trying to quell the myriad of emotions seething through him. “Did you think I was interested because you thought I was starving myself again?” He asked, folding his arms. “Was this visit supposed to be an inspection of whether I’d started eating again and gotten fat, or if I’d lost more weight and back to my old ways? Because you could’ve just asked me over the phone, I didn’t have to visit for this.”

She briefly pressed her lips into a line, taken back by her son’s reaction. “I was just checking on you Jean-bo. I know recovery is a long road for something like this, and I was just worried. I wanted to see how you were doing. It’s easy to lie over the phone. I had to see for myself.”

He knew she was right about the last part. He would’ve lied about how he was doing. Technically, he still was. He skipped breakfast so he could eat this lunch, and his dinner was probably going to be small and low-calorie. Relapse was the norm in eating disorder recovery, not to mention it was supposed to be a five to seven-year path to normal eating habits. He’d only been recovering for a few years and relapsed more times than he could count. So, his mother was accurate in her proposition, but she didn’t have to go about it this way.

“Look ma, I’m doing well enough that I don’t need to go back to rehab. You said it yourself, I gained weight,” Jean said, internally cringing at his last words. “I’ll take the rehab center stuff back with me if that makes you feel better.”

“Please,” she said, reaching beneath her table placemat to pull out a couple of letters. “You look fine and gained weight, but I know when it comes to eating disorders it’s not that easy to spot. Especially after what happened in high school, I just want to be vigilant about this.”

Jean squirmed in his seat at the words weight and gain. It was starting to overwhelm him. Not to mention the way his mother pulled out those letters irritated him, showing that she was planning to ambush him about something all along. “I gotta go,” he said, standing up. “I told Marco I’d help him with something.” He lied, before kissing his mother on the cheek.

“Don’t you want to take some food or even offer some to Eren?”

He quickly shook his head, reaching into his pocket for his car keys. He couldn’t get out of here fast enough. “No ma, I’m fine and he’s fine. I’ll try to visit sooner.”

She stood up, giving Jean a hug and a kiss on both cheeks. “Okay, just visit before your birthday.”

“Okay,” Jean mumbled, returning his mother’s hug before hustling his way out the front door with the letters stuffed in his jacket pocket.

He drove home in silence, feeling the weight of the letters in his pocket while biting the skin off of his lips. He was so zoned out that he barely remembered his drive home, fumbling with his keys once at the door more than necessary. It didn’t make it any easier that his hands were sweaty, his heart rate climbing, and the food that he ate earlier suddenly feeling uneasy in his stomach. Jean recognized this behavior, he was having a panic attack.

He hadn’t had one in years, but his mother brought him back to his old mental space. He was afraid of being overweight again. He knew he had gained weight from when he left the rehabilitation center, but he did his best not to think about it. Currently, his clothes still fit, his body looked slender, and his face still held it’s angular, jawline rather than an added roundness. He wasn’t fat, but the idea of it happening again because he gained a little weight petrified him.

Once he was able to get inside, he made a beeline for his room, shutting the door and locking it just in case Eren was around. Jean sat on the edge of his bed, hunched over with his face in his hands while he tried his best to calm down. He took rhythmic deep breaths, trying to relax his whole body in order to gain his composure. He then tried to focus on something else, searching for things that made him happy or entertained him.

His mind fleeted over a couple of memories of him and Marco, the time he bought his car, the relief he felt moving out the house, and a couple days ago to when he and Eren had a good time hanging out. Little by little his heart rate descended, his breathing evened out, the feelings of dread vacated his body, and his sweat dried on his skin, causing him to shiver.

Jean sucked in one deep breath, running both hands through his hair. “Fuck,” He said, his own voice sounding foreign to him.

He sat up straight, suddenly make eye contact with his reflection in the mirror across from his bed. He then thickly swallowed, his mouth feeling dry but he stood up, walking towards the image casting back at him. Jean looked himself over from head to toe, knowing what he was about to do next was going to be bad for his health. But he was mentally ill, so he didn’t care.

He slowly stripped, taking off an article of clothing one after the other. It wasn’t until he was completely naked did he look in the mirror again. He looked thin, a couple of his ribs apparent through his pale skin and upper torso obviously lacking in muscle definition. He ignored his genitals and looked at his thighs, equally as muscle deficient and soft looking. Jean turned around, looking at his back with his visible spinal cord and modest butt.

He frowned at his appearance, pinching himself all over, grabbing loose skin in between his fingers and cringing at every inch of it. He felt disgusted with himself, disappointed with not only his failure at recovery but also at gaining weight. He felt large. He felt like the kid from high school, his clothes suffocating him, feeling the public’s eye on his every move since his weight was socially unacceptable, and just wanting to disappear into the seclusion of his room, with tears running down his cheeks and binge food by his side.

Before Jean knew it, he was crying. His cheeks wet, the saliva in his mouth thick, and his nose building with mucus. Through his tears, he grabbed a roll of toilet paper, trying to wipe his tears as fast as they were falling and climbed into bed. He put his television on, using it as background noise while he wiped his tears and eventually fell asleep.

 

* * *

  

Eren sipped at his chocolate banana protein shake, feeling the muscles in his arms twitch while he held the cup to his lips. He and Reiner met up at the gym to work out, Eren lifting weights while Reiner did cardio. All throughout his workout, Eren was trying think of ways how to bring up the fact that Jean knew about their hook up from a few days ago. He also thought about not telling Reiner at all, considering Jean obviously wasn’t going to tell anyone and hadn’t even told Bertolt. Plus, he wasn’t even sure if Reiner would really even care since it wasn’t like they were hiding their hook ups, but they also weren’t spreading the word either. 

He frowned to himself, his shake cup condensating in his hand. He wiped the collected droplets from his hand off on his pants after he set the cup down on the living room table. They were at Reiner and Bertolt’s place, with Reiner sitting next to him, obviously enthralled with a timed cooking show.

“Can you believe that dude actually thought he was going to make a successful bread pudding in thirty minutes?” Reiner said after a swallow of his own shake. “He definitely got beat by that girl and her deconstructed lemon bars.”

Eren nodded, folding his arms as he sank further into the couch to get comfortable. “Well, if he pulled it off, he would’ve been able to redeem himself for his overcooked strip steak.”

“That was honestly unredeemable,” Reiner remarked, his drink straw resting against his lips. “Plus, he basically set himself up for failure with his Asian fusion tacos from the appetizer round. He shouldn’t even be here right now in the final round.”

“Agreed,” Eren mumbled, losing interest in the show and feeling distracted by what he wanted to say. He grabbed his protein shake again, wrapping his lips around the straw while he watched commercials dance across the screen. After the break, the show returned, the judges making their choice after deliberating dishes from the current round and the last.

Reiner pumped his fist in the air when it was announced that the girl won. “Finally, the system prevails. Sometimes I’ll watch these cooking competition shows and they’ll get it completely wrong. But I also can’t taste the food, so I can’t judge.”

“Obviously. Not to mention you practically just cook chicken breasts, vegetables, and sometimes rice if your carbing up.”

“Glad you know me so well,” Reiner said, giving Eren a nudge with his shoulder and a smile. “But, since I know you so well, tell me what’s up. It looks like you’re thinking a little too hard. I wouldn’t want you to short-circuit.”

“Shut up,” Eren countered, nudging Reiner back. He then swallowed, deciding it was now or never. “I have something I need to tell you. It’s not terrible news or anything, but I just think you should know.”

Reiner’s eyebrows rose in interest at Eren’s words. “Alright, shoot.”

“It turns out Jean overheard us having sex the other day. He stopped by to get his textbook or something, and yeah,” Eren explained, watching Reiner for his reaction.

“Oh,” Reiner began, obviously taken aback by the news, “that’s not good. Do you know if he told anyone?”

“No, but he wouldn’t do that,” Eren answered with confidence. “Jean’s not like that. Plus, he would’ve done it already if he wanted to. Has Bertolt been acting strange or something?”

“No,” Reiner quickly assured, “it’s just that people aren’t usually good at keeping things like that secret. How’d it come up?”

Eren instantly grew sheepish, mentally recalling his and Jean’s fight. “I was in his business when I shouldn’t have been. In turn, he threw my business, which was me and you fucking, in my face. So, yeah.”

 “Oh, well, how do you feel about Jean knowing about us? I know you’d rather him not know at all.”

Eren let out an aggravated sigh, his frown deepening. “I feel shitty about it. Like, if me and him ever got together, it’d be different if we talked about past sexual partners or whatever. But, for him to over hear us when that was our last hook up sucks.”

Reiner hummed in understanding. “It does. It’s pretty fucked up, not gonna lie. Sorry,” He finished, giving Eren a sympathetic look.

“It’s fine. There’s nothing I can do about it now,” Eren replied, watching the next episode of the cooking show begin. “Anyway, are we still having that party at my place for Ymir tomorrow?”

“Oh yeah, shit, I guess so,” Reiner said after downing the rest of his protein shake. “Why does she think she always needs a welcome back get together? We get it, you’re in the Navy, you periodically visit, and you’ll most likely come back again in a few to several months.”

“Let her have it. I’m sure it gets boring working for your country. Besides, it gives our whole circle a chance to reconnect. That’s something we never really do anymore since we’re about to be in our third years in university,” Eren reassured.

“I guess so,” Reiner mumbled, becoming engrossed with the television show again. “Did you mention it to Jean?”

Eren rolled his eyes, realizing that’s what he forgot to do today. “Shit, no. I mean, I don’t think he’ll care since he doesn’t have class the next day after the get together anyway, but he can be difficult sometimes so who knows.”

“I think he’ll be cool. I’ll send a reminder text to everyone else while you talk it over with him,” Reiner suggested, resting his hands behind his head. 

Eren nodded, taking a sip of his drink. “I guess that sounds good,” he responded, looking down at his watch, noticing that it was getting late. “I think I’m gonna head home now. I wanna run it past Jean sooner rather than later.”

“Sure, just let me know what’s up,” Reiner called from the couch, watching Eren turn the front door knob. “See ya later.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Eren called back, giving him a wave with the back of his hand.

Once he got to the car, he sighed in relief. Telling Reiner about the fact that Jean knew about them was one more thing checked off his list. On his way home, Eren pondered how he was going to bring up the party to Jean. He knew that Jean hated last minute shit, and not just because Jean had told him verbatim he hated last minute shit. It was obvious in the way that Jean planned a lot of his stuff, his planner looking well mapped out and devised. Not to mention he was a man of routine, so this party was going to definitely disrupt that.

Eren frowned the minute he stood outside his front door, knowing that Jean was home and he had to bring up the topic sooner rather than later. Upon opening the front door, the smell of florally scented cleaner and other disinfectants hit his nose. Jean was staying true to routine as predicted, cleaning up on a Sunday. Eren took his shoes off near the door, noticing the vacuumed lines on the floor.

He walked to the kitchen where Jean came into eye view and was washing dishes. Jean looked over his shoulder when he noticed Eren’s presence behind him, placing a mug on the drying rack on the other side of the sink.

“Hey,” Jean said, turning his focus back to the dishes.

“Hey,” Eren responded, setting his protein shake cup on the counter with his keys. “Um, are you busy right now? I wanted to run something by you.”

Jean shook his head in a negatory manner, running a soaped sponge over a plate. “What’s up?”

Eren took a seat at the eat-in kitchen island. “Remember that get together for Ymir we’re supposed to be having? I forgot that I agreed weeks ago that we could have it over here when we first moved in. So, do you mind?”

“No, it’s fine. The party would find its way over here somehow, so might as well just have it here.” Jean assured, cutting off the sink water and squeezing out the remaining liquid from the sponge. “It’s tomorrow, right? Why have a party on a Monday though?”

“I think that was Ymir’s decision. She wanted the party at the beginning of the week so it could be her kick-off to being back in town. You know how over the top she can be. Plus, she plans to spend most of her days with Historia, so after this, we’re pretty much not gonna see her often.”

Jean nodded in understanding, drying his hands with a towel. He folded it up and laid it down next to the sink on the counter. He turned around to face Eren, leaning his hip against the kitchen counter. “Well, I finish classes in the afternoon tomorrow, so I guess I can help set up or whatever.”

Eren took in Jean’s appearance, noticing that he evidently looked a little off. He could easily put his finger on it, noticing that Jean was more covered up more than usual, long-sleeved shirt and long sweat pants. The heat was running in the condo since the winter weather made a quick return from its warm yet cool days to full-blown chilly, so his attire wasn’t necessarily strange. Eren just thought it was strange to clean in, given how quickly someone could overheat while doing a whole bunch of house work.

What worried him the most was how puffy Jean’s eyes looked, showing the obvious signs of earlier crying. Eren was immediately befuddled when he noticed it, mentally noting that today was the day that Jean visited his mother. Familial meetings didn’t always go well and he knew Jean and his mother didn’t have the best relationship, but he was curious as to how their meeting could result in Jean’s tears.

Eren swiftly wanted to jump into friend mode and ask Jean to open up but he was able to refrain himself, their altercation from a day ago still fresh in his mind. He laced his fingers together instead, leaning back in his chair to appear nonchalant. “That’s fine, but you don’t have to. I’m sure I can get Armin, Mikasa, and Reiner or whatever to help out. Especially since you cleaned up and everything."

Jean had folded his arms, perceptive to the way Eren took in his appearance. He brushed it off, feeling more comfortable that Eren didn’t pester him like last time. “Alright,” he began, pushing his hip off the counter to stand up straight, “I’m gonna go do some homework and then go to bed, so I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Eren looked at the oven clock past Jean, seeing that is was still moderately early, the clock just striking seven. He ignored it, knowing that Jean probably felt shitty and wanted to go to bed early. “Did you eat dinner already?”

“Yes,” Jean lied, walking out the kitchen. “Don’t make too much of a mess making yours.” He reminded Eren from the hallway.

Eren made a face at Jean’s back, but he understood since it was obvious Jean worked hard. “Goodnight!” Eren called from his seat in the kitchen.

“Night!” Jean answered, closing his room door immediately after.

Eren propped his elbow on the counter, resting his face against his palm in thought. He wanted to seriously be there for Jean, but it seemed like a daunting task every time the two of them came into contact. The idea that the two of them one day would be able to talk about their feelings and problems to each other was nowhere within reach. It was the most apparent when Jean quickly left, the two of them acknowledging Jean’s puffy eyes and pale skin, yet both completely overlooking it in order to avoid the conflict a confrontation would bring.

It severely bothered Eren since it was obvious that Jean was going through something. It wasn’t like Jean was the most put together person that never seemed to be going through something, but with Jean being the slight pretty boy that he was, when he looked hellish it meant something. Whether or not Eren was ever going to find out what that something was, was a mystery. But it was only a matter of time before Eren’s friend mode mixed with crush mode overcame him and he was begging Jean to let down his personal walls and let him into his life.

He wasn’t exactly certain how, but he sure as hell knew he wasn’t a quitter, and he wasn’t afraid of trying and failing. Eren wasn’t marked by Jean as a suicidal bastard for nothing. He figured it was time to live up to the title.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all. remember when i said it wouldn't take a year to update again? i was right, it took two years. 
> 
> i had to stop writing because of school, but i graduated university! so hopefully i can write more often.
> 
> i haven't given up on this story at all, so bear with me as i try to finish it.
> 
> thanks for reading! ♥︎
> 
> comments and kudos appreciated. ✌


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